IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious
(NOT your typical marriage book)
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IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious (NOT your typical marriage book) |
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NOTE: Some of the videos on this site require the Adobe Flash player installed.
Tolerance For Financial Risks Matter Most? We have heard many times that sex, religion, and money are the biggest reason for marriage stro end in divorce. But when the money reason is examined, it could cover many reasons such as disparities in actual earned income, spending habits, or gender roles among other factors. In a 13 year study of over 5,000 German couples, one factor stood out: Each spouse's toloerance for financial risk. The study was conducted by the German Socio-Economic Panel. Note that multiple types of risk were evaluated for, including careers, and not only financial.
40 Celebrities With Major Age Gaps Does an age gap of 10 years - 40+ years make a
Why More Men Are Becoming Stay-At-Home Dads
How To Avoid Phishing Scams ABC News
Self-isolating and relationships --
USA Moms-To-Be Prefer Educated and married American mothers who are planning their 1st pregnancy pefer to have that child born in the springtime. -- Researchers, Professor Climent Quintana-Domeque of the University of Exeter and Damian Clarke, Associate Professor, Universidad de Santiago de Chile & IZA, using surveys, US Census data, and US Birth Certificate information looked for patterns regarding the time when they wish to have their 1st child. It seemed that 2nd, 3rd, and additional children's time of birth is based on a much broader set of criteria. A theory from the research was that these women who planned a springtime conception did so based upon such factors as when they could abutt their maternity leave with a summer vacation and a distance from winter's high flu and cold season. Who knows for certain. However another interesting take-away is possible: That these women have planned their deliveries and thus their pregnancy, as opposed to those women who might have had unprotected sex or acted impulsively. Who knows how valid these professors' hypothesis are, but isn't it interesting? (This piece is based upon an article in Science Daily's website, . The professors' research can be further detailed here.)
Some Strategies For Dealing WIth Holiday Stress
Election Day Facts: Vote! Set An Example For Others! View this regarding the key decider in Presidential elections.
Children Back at School? Then... You prepare them for the school year. What is tragic is what you will see not only in this video, but possibly in your child's school. As parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and guardians, we have an obligation to not only protect them, but to help minimize the dangers around them. Forget any political viewspoints that you hold! And, pray that you will be able to continue to hold them. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Have TEENAGERS in Middle/ High School? --
Marriage Reduces the Risk of Dementia? Really? So many of us as we age worry about dementia. There are many forms of it and all are devastating. There have been many recommendations for stalling it or even preventing it. To date, there is no real concensus as to what has potetial or could actually help one avoid what has proven to be inevitable to so many people. All of this is to say that the research discussed here is not meant to be taken as more than a possible factor in the prevention of these terrible diseases. Hui Liu is a sociologist who with others, studied the possible effects of marriage on the frequency of dementia. His results are found in The Journals of Gerontology, Marital Status and Dementia, 2019. The study focused on those who were living together without marriage, those who were 'single in the traditional sense', married couples, and widows/widowers. The study involved over 15,000 indivuals who in 2000 were in their 50's. Approximately twice as many people who were divorced, developed dementia than those who were married. The study acknowledged that there were other factors at play, but the difference between those who were married and those who were not was striking. Who knows what would truly prevent or slow the progression of dementia. But research will hopefully find successful ways.
Humor Increases With Marital Length The journal Emotion published a study from the University of California at Berkeley that discovered a perhaps surprising marital find. They saw that as couples remain married they tended to argue and snip at one another less frequently. Instead, they used humor, more often. The study involved approx. 90 couples who had been married between 15 and 35 years.
There are many variations regarding how best to handle marital finances. Following is advice from Dave Ramsey, a popular financial guru. Married? Separate Bank Accounts? That's a Bunch of CRAP!
A Woman's 'Viagra'? Not quite! But an estimated 10% of women haave no or little interst in sexual relations with their spouse. And, that is a shame. #1 Creams to help lubricate your vagina. #2 Counseling. #3 Addyi (flibanserin) is a medication designed to increase your sexual desire. However, if you are experienced menopause, then this would not ber an option. There are also precautions before taking, as with virtually any medication. Bottom-line? There might an easier than thought of, way back into the loving arms and flesh of your lover. Don't waste the possible aids! (Note, think carefully before choosing any of these options. Take full responsibility for the results of it.)
The secrets of a long marriage
MidtermElections - November 6, 2018 If you are registered to vote, are you truly a patriotic citizen? Do you understand that even 1 vote has in fact changed winners and losers in some elections? That countless people around the world have literally died for the right to vote? So, whatever your political views are, VOTE! Even if you don't like any of the candidates, vote and choose the one you dislike the least. Because the odds are without enough votes, the person whom you truly dislike will win. So, be a role model for your children, step-children, nieces and nephews! Vote! Nuff said!
U.S.
midterm elections: How do they work?
Does Marital Satisfaction Prevent Depressed Moods Less A Georgia State University researcher (Daniel L. Carlson, Ben Lennox Kail. Socioeconomic variation in the association of marriage with depressive symptoms. Social Science Research, 2018) examined interviews with over 3,500 adults who ranged in age from their mid-20's to their mid-80's. An interesting trend was noticed. That when a married couple had a household income of $60,000 or less, they appeared to have less depression than unmarried counterparts. Yet, when income was higher, the unmarried folks appeared to have less symptoms of depression.
Please check this out. PLEASE HELP this child and his family.
2nd Marriage? - Work Extra Hard At It!
Let's Celebrate Mothers! Mother's Day A husband's creative gift The Mother's Day Song: A funny song for Mother's Day
Talking to Your Children About School/Mass Shootings There is no easy, perfect answer to the question of how to speak with your children regarding a mass shooting. Perhaps these videos will offer you some ideas or trigger ideas for you. Do what you believe to be best for your particular family. How to talk to kids about mass shootings How To Talk To Your Children About School Shootings | My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story |
Holiday Budgeting
This is more common than you might think or wish to believe. Do You Have A Work Wife Or Husband?
More Regarding Spousal Age Differences Well, we pretty much expect that men who marry much younger women are happy with that arrangement. But a major Australian-based study shows that the same holds true for women who marry younger men. Now, for another twist regarding marital satisfaction. - Data for this study comes from the Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) survey. It was a longterm study involving over seven thousand couples. And, it found that a financial blow (such as a job loss) helped to result in great marriage disatisfaction. Satisfaction, actually, overall, began to diminish when those couples with a large age difference were married 6-plus years. (Hmmm... I wonder if the age matters as much as 6 or 7 years together does. Think of the '7-year-itch.) Who know the true cause, but large age differences do add great stress to many married couples. Food for thought... The above-mentioned study was (in part? or whole?) the result of work by an economics professor, Wang-Sheng Lee, and a research associate. The study appeared in Journal of Population Economics. 'Nuff said.
What Occupation of Women Has the Most Cheaters? Men... Typically we think of men as being the ones who cheat when married. Yet, who do they often cheat with? Women. And how often are those women the spouses of another man? Well, IllicitEncounters.com studied the question of what occupation does most of the men and women who use their site have? Guess which occupation accounted for 20% of the women who use this site? Why, it's housewives! The primary reason for having an affair according to the majority of these women was that they were lonely. So, how much of a reason versus an excuse is that? How much of your answer is biased due to the stereotypes of the 'Taken-For-Granted Housewife'? There does appear to be a frequently-held double-standard when it comes to judging the spouse who has an affair. Think of the book & movie of The Bridges of Madison County. In it, the wife has an affair with a stranger while her husband and children are away at a county fair. She comes out as a tragic, but cheered-for figure. Women hope that she will run off with the subject of her emotional and physical passions. If the roles were reversed, how many women would cheer for the husband who cheats on his wife, the mother of his children who is spending quality time with their children? The same study found that most men who use their site tend to be wealthy and powerful. Their ego seems to be the primary force for their affairs. Yet, as more and more women become CEOs and other powerful figures in the world of work, I wonder if the reason will change. Infidelity is wrong. Period. Whatever the reason. Whatever the excuse. - Don't allow bias toward the stereotypes of genders be the reason that you condemn ore forgive it. Simply avoid it. Condemn it. 'Nuff said.
Dr. Phil Hears Some Silly STD Theories https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3iJJNy6hJ0
Sleep Divorce? - What Is It and Why Is It? More and more often, couples are sleeping in separate beds and even separate bedrooms. Some spouses say that their partner's snoring keeps them awake. Others say that one or both of them toss and urn so often in their sleep that it wakes the other person, keeping them from a restful sleep. Then, there are couples when one of them is a night owl and their mate is just the opposite type of person. Couples Find Peace Through ‘Sleep Divorce’ | NBC Nightly News
Broke People Shouldn't Go On Vacations - Dave Ramsey Rant Click here for this important message. Now, some of you can disagree with this message.
A Link Found Between Body Odor, Political Views, and Love? Given the very high level of political discourse and animosity that has been shaping this year's Presidential election, I thought that this study might prove relevant. At the least, 'interesting'. Dr. Rose McDermott, Dustin Tingley, and Peter K. Hatemi conducted a study that was described in the American Journal of Political Science. The study learned that people found others who had similar political views to their own had a more appealing body odor. Pretty amazing! Send your comments to: comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .
Successful Co-parenting After Divorce:
Physical and emotional intimacy present many of the challenges that married couples confront throughout their marriage, Ms. Perel offers her own take on successfully dealing with these matters. Let me know what you think of her opinions by sending your thoughts to Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com . Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
Parents! This is now an epidemic, including among Teens! It is an epidemic in the United States, Canada, and elsewhere. A KILLER HIGH: Understanding Fentanyl
Note: The following is one way of dealing with 'out-of-control' teens. Seen At 11: Journey To Jail May Change A Troubled Teen
19 Unexpected Perks of Being Married
Dr. Phil on blended families
For Better Or What?: Observations on Life, Love, and Marriage Have you ever taken what you expected to be 'only a moment' for looking over a book, only to become so engrossed in it that you end up skipping a meal and saying to yourself that you will read 'just one more page' and then put the book down? Only to read one more and one more until you have (just about) finished it? It's a very fluid, easy read that grabs and holds onto your attention with a writing style that is so conversational you could almost sense Rosemary sitting across from you, sharing her marriage experiences and insights! The advice? Commonsense. (Which we know is not very common, at all.) And given in a very non-threatening way. You also won't find psychobabble here! If the book helps improve your marriage, then the $9.99 cost (which is less than a cheese pizza or a couple of Starbucks coffees) is well worth it. And, if your marriage is terrific, than it's still a great, relateable read. By the way, let me know what you think of it. Send your feedback to me at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Who Has Better Sense Of Navigation? Stereotypes. They exist for most every race, religion, and gender. Well, according to a study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology, men, in general tend to have a better sense of direction than do women. What is my point? Primarily that we should not necessarily trust in sereotypes.
(Note: As parents, you need to face the reality that exists, nowadays.) "Teens, Sexting and STD's"
The Power of: 'Please' and 'Thank You' Our parents probably taught us to say 'Thank you' whenever someone did something nice for us or gave us something. Whether or not we thought that it was necessary. Well, researchers from the University of Georgia have reinforced this notion in a study that was published in the journal, Personal Relationships. When you think about, who doesn't really wish to feel that even the mundane acts of everyday life are not taken for granted but are cherished, to some extent? Once again, the key to improving your marriage lies in Don't Overlook The Obvious!
How to Save a Long Distance Marriage!
Dr. Phil on blended families
Worst Age To Marry? A study by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who is a University of Utah sociologist, regarding the best age to marry with the least odds for getting a divorce states that the best age is in the late 20's and the worst begins in the 30's and gets worst up into the 40's. One reason given is that those who are single later in life might not really wish to marry. I would agree but also add that the longer one remains single, the more set in their ways they become. So that compromise and even the occasional 'giving in' to their spouse can be very difficult. Then, of course, there are those who were married, previously, but became divorced. Statistically, the more times that one is divorced, the more likely their next marriage will also end up that way. (Think of step-children, finances if their is alimony or child support to be paid to a former spouse.) Then, you have those who are widowed. They might expect their new wife or husband to be just like their previous one (if they were happily married) or very different (if they were not). Bottom-line, you could beat the odds, at any age. Nothing says that you have to become a divorce statistic. You must choose wisely, plan carefully, and be pepared to 'go with the flow'.
When One Spouse Earns More Than The Other It was bound to happen and be exposed (so to speak). Researchers, Lamar Pierce, Ph.D, Michael S. Dahl, and Jimmi Nielsen spent approx. 20 years studying 200,000 couples in Denmark. The conclusion? Not certain, but it appears that whenever there is a financial imbalance in a marriage, each spouse will suffer in some way, from it. 'Nuff said.
Sleeping In Sync Happens More Frequently You probably have heard the saying, 'Happy wife, happy life.' A study headed by Heather Gunn, PhD, from the University of Pittsburgh questioned and examined 46 couples over a 10 day period of time.
We learn many things from our parents and other family members. Geoff Hamm on Ways Childhood Shapes Personal Values
Going A Bit Too Far, Don't You Agree? South Korea's Constitutional Court abolished a decades old law against commiting adultery. Over the past 30 years or so, 35,000 plus Koreans were put in jail for adultery. Supposedly, the law had been created to help wives of cheating husbands get better divorce settlements, because a wife could parlay a dropping of the charges of adultery in exchange for a better financial settlement. But, the court has decided thatw omen no longer need to rely on a man's income as much as when the law was enacted in the 1950's. However, those against the law being changed point to an approximate 40% divorce rate, wherein adultery accounts for almost half of the divorces. Who is definitely a winner, aside from those with wandering eyes and other body parts? The largest condom manufacturer in the country has seen an increase in it's stock value.
Hmmm... When Men and Women Do Household Chores There has obviously been much said about men and women helping out, more equally, with household chores. But what if any impact on their sex life? And, especially if the chores are done regardless of typical gender responsibilities for them? Couples where the man did all of the typical female chores had much less sex than those where the woman did all of the typical female chores.
Note: This piece offers a diffeent viewpoint than another one on this site. Ask Steve Harvey:
Super Bowl Sunday & Domestic Violence 'Urban Legends' are those matters which countless individuals believe to be true, yet which are either totally false or have a grain-or-two-or-three of truth to them. Dr. Richard Gelles, an expert in the area of domestic violence, has stated that there has never been a study proving the correlation between this football championship and abuse of women. There does not appear to be empirical evidence that Super Bowl Sunday creates more domestic abuse than other days. Okay, but why, you might ask, do I even bring the subject up? Fact is that domestic violence, regardless of the actual statistics, should never be excused. And, if you know of someone who is a victim, try to get them to report it, file charges, and get help from a shelter, mental health clinic/ professional, clergy, or... Be supportive. 'Nuff said.
How financial infidelity ruins marriages
Can You Change Your Spouse's Bad Habits? We tend to be influenced by the behaviors of others. So, if this sounds good to you, just be aware that there is also research that shows the other partner could grow resentful of them. Perhaps not many, but some people. The lesson: As with most anything in life, be optimistic, proceed with some caution, and be prepared for the unexpected/undesirable. 'Nuff said.
Promiscuity and Prostrate Cancer Before anyone raises their eyebrows so far up their forehead that they fall off, this is not meant to be a piece advocating promiscuity with women, including affairs. But there is an interesting study that says men who had more than 20 female partners engaging in intercourse, their risk for prostrate cancer was 28% less than other men. And, a man who never had intercourse was twice as likely to have this cancer than men who had some intercourse. However, for men, those who had intercourse with more than 20 men had twice the prostrate cancer rate. The journal, Cancer Epidemiology, by Marie-Elise Parent, Marie-Claude Rousseau, and Andrea Spence from the University of Montreal and INRS -- Institut Armand-Frappier.
Gray-Divorce Is On The Rise Okay. We all know that the divorce rate has been steadily on the increase. There are obviously many factors. But before joining their ranks, think long and hard about the decision. Perhaps give counseling or simply trying different actions and more honest communication. (Obviously, reasons tied to abuse are a whole different ball of wax. Leave and seek help.) 'Nuff said.
Yes. You (Probably) Are Responsible For Your Teen's Bullying/'Mean' Acts "Not my little Johnny". Well, I have news for some of you. Your 'little angel' is not one. They trip others, push or punch them, ostracize, belittle, swear at, harass, and do what they can to make someone else's life miserable. So, you want to know why I'm 'wasting your valuable time' here at a site devoted to improving marriages. What does bullying have to do with you and your spouse's relationship? Well, you are the parent. The legal guardian. So, whether or not you wish to own up to your child's wayward behavior, you might want to think twice about reigning them in or even turning them in to authorities. And, if you think you and your honey have your share of other issues tearing at the fabric of your marriage, now, then wait until the legal system jumps in over your offspring's actions. It's often not a marriage uniter. Parents face defamation trial over fake Facebook page their kid made Are Parents Legally Responsible if Their Kid Is a Bully?
'Deleted' Snapchat Photos http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2014/10/12/hackers-eye-release-100k-deleted-snapchat-images/Many of these photos were of teens in sexually-oriented poses, to say the least. Adult photos, also!- We remind you, again, that Snapchat photos can easily stay around and be viewed by others. So, please stop this reckless
behavior that can have serious consequences for you and loved ones.
'Intriguing' Studies Of Domestic Violence Wow! This study, if accepted on face value will rock many domestic violence experts off of their chairs... Philip H. Smith, PhD, lead author, is now an associate research scientist in the Department of Psychiatry at Yale University. Grants from national substance abuse organizations helped to fund this controversial research. So, here goes the controversial conclusions, in rather simplistic terms: Studies conducted at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville stated that college men who were high from smoking marijuana were less likely to engage in violence, both physical and psychological, against women, than those men who were drunk from alcohol. Obviously, much more research must be conducted in this area. And, this article is not intended to advocate the use of marijuana. This piece is simply intended to share some interesting views and data regarding a most serious topic, facing individuals and couples of all genders. If you, or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence/abuse, please refer them to a shelter, hotline, community health center, or law enforcement agency.
The Loss of a Child One of the worst things that could ever happen to parents is the loss of a child. Scratch that! It undoubtedly is the worst thing that could ever happen. Grieving parents help others cope with loss of child
Does Love Increase Sexual Satisfaction? How many times do I say that you need to look at 'The Obvious' if you wish to re/solve many of life's problems. Well, I am about to add another mark to your running tally. 95 women, in their 20's to 60's were interviewed as a part of a study by Penn State Abington sociologist, Beth Montemurro. The focus of the study was to learn whether or not being in love with their partner actually resulted in better, more enjoyable, sex. Surprise, surprise, the answer was a 'Yes'! And, 'Yes', theer are always those who do not go along with the majority concensus. SO, it was here, with approx. 20% of the participants saying that being in love with their partner was not a prerequisite for having great sex. My personal belief and experience? The best sex has always been with someone whom I love. And for decades that has been with my wife.
The Idiot Spouse Check this out. It might not be what you think... Share with someone you love or family/friends/co-workers... (If you cannot view it here, then please go to: The Idiot Spouse -
Stay At Home Dads A growing trend is that of marriages where the men become stay at home dads. For some couples, it is simply whjat the man wishes to do and the woman has no problem with that scenario. For others, it is a reflection of the economy: the high jobless rate. Still other couples recognize when the wife has a much higher earning potential and they do not wish to leave children at a day care center. So, is this a healthy trend or not? At the risk of sounding indecisive, the reality is that it all depends upon the specific couples involved and the reason for this 'traditional role reversal'. If the reason is that the husband is out of work and cannot find something suitable, then feelings of inadequacy and resentment can build up. But, with a supportive, loving wife this should not be a huge problem. No different than if the roles were reversed. What if the man simply wants to be a strong part of his children's life? Applaud it! But beware of the little things that can easily derail an otherwise great situation. Some couples decide to 'take turns' being the breadwinner. The bottom line reality is that there is no right or wrong answer here, as long as each spouse's sense of value in the family is maintained, their ego is strong, and each partner remembers that they are in a partnership. 'Nuff said! Take a few minutes for this short video! And let us know what you think about Stay-At-Home-Dads! Write to Russ@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Military with PTSD - Saving Marriages and the Lives of Heroes Regardless of your feelings about the role that the military has played during recent decades, hopefully, you respect the dedication and sacrifices that these men and women make on behalf of their country. This Monday, being Memorial Day, in the United States, is a perfect time to address a most serious subject: PTSD and it's impact upon marriages and families. You might find this piece to be comforting or a source of support. Your decision.
Good Heart Health News For Married Women Often, health research points to the benefits of marriage for the man or for the couple, in general. A study by Oxford University researchers involving over 700,000 women who were typically 60 years young, and followed for almost a decade, discovered that the married women developed heart disease at about the same rate as the unmarried ones.
Sir Patrick Stewart On Domestic Violence
Is Hunger The Reason That You Argue? Really? Ohio State University researcher, Brad Bushman, has come up with an interesting theory. (Fact?) Now, this makes sense on one level. But, isn't it true that when one is tired that patience wears thinner, more easily than at other times? And, that when someone has a bad day at work, they are more stressed and more likely to be short with and argue more easily with their wife or husband? And... Do we really need someone to remind us of these argument-precursors? So, if you want a better, happier marriage, part of the route to take involves simply paying attention to common-sense triggers for arguments.
Adult Children Returning Home Regardless of what the government says regarding the Recession's demise, many young adult children are returning to their parent/s' home to live. This can pose many unique financial and daily living stresses. This brief video touches on some of them. If you wish to share your personal experience with this situation, especially in terms of how it impacts/-ed your marriage, please email me at: russ@DontOverlookTheObvious.com. (Your real names will not be used, if we cover your story.)
Did You Have To Pass 'The Test' Before Marrying? Question: Did you and your spouse take a marriage preparation class before marriage? Well, there is a movement afoot in Colorado which, if successful, would require 1st time couples to take a 10 hour marriage prep class. 2nd time around spouses would need to take a 20 hour class. And, if you were a 3 time 'vow-taker', the class would be 30 hours. Obviously, the concept has some positive gols. However, who would design the classes? What biases would there be in it? Who would determine if you and your beloved passed the course? What would happen if you failed it? Could you re-take it? Or would it be 'once failed, forever doomed to have to marry someone else'? What do you think about this idea? Email your thoughts!
STD Rate Among Seniors Is Skyrocketing I know. This is a marriage site. But, bear with me for a few moments. With seniors living longer, often finding themselves craving human contact, especially physical touch, and often finding themselves bored... Well, you can imagine what happens: lots of sex. And, occasionally, lots of unprotected sex! While affection and sexual intimacy are fine, overall, promiscuous behavior and unprotected sex can and does lead, far too often, to sexually transmitted diseases. Condom use is far lower for seniors, it seems, than for college students in their 20's! So, back to how all this impacts married couples. Well, they say that when you have sex with your spouse, you are having sex with their past partners, as well. Biologically speaking, that is. Note: I am not implying that all seniors are carriers of STDs or have been promiscuous. Simply that knowledge is power and can add another dimension to discussions before marriage. 'Nuff said!
Gambling Addiction Impacts
GOT MARRIAGE? Before folks or the dairy industry jump on my case over the title of this piece, bear in mind that there is more to this than a provocative headline... According to research that appears in the peer-reviewed journal, Osteoporosis International, men who marry when they are 25 years of age or older, will tend to have healthier bones. (And, if their marriage is a positive one.) Now, there can be a multitude of possible explanations, including that happily married men probably tend to want to take better care of their bodies, nutritionally and through exercise. Or, that they wish to be fit in order to please their spouse. Regardless of the explanations, this appears to show, once agai, that a positive marriage can have a super positive impact on one's health & well-being 'Nuff said.!
Step-Parenting Tips
Trial Separation? Many couples will at some point during their marriage contemplate having a trial separation. This can have very positive results or very negative ones.
Managing Finances After Marriage
Divorce and War Vets It's only common sense that those who serve during time of war will often have a greater risk for addiction, abuse, and, yes, divorce. This is all important, and points to the fact that military families and not simply the service person, themselves, need support, including counseling, during deployment and upon the return.
Surprising Interfaith Marriage Facts
"Oh Sweet Lorraine"
Those With Siblings Have Lower Divorce Rates? Remember those sisters and brothers whom you blamed for so much, growing up? (Perhaps, even now?) An Ohio State University study of over 50,000 adults over a 30 year priod, seem to show that for every sibling over 2 that you have, there is a 2% lower rate of divorce.
Dr. Phil: Advice Regarding Infidelity
DOMA Decision - 6-26-13 I dedicate this piece to my late, dear, very special friends (who were twins), Noreen Slovin and Doreen Slovin. Okay.
Overweight, Losing Weight, And The State Of Your Marriage Are you or your spouse Food Network fans? Do you find yourself loving homecooking, too much? Or going to Golden Corral (or another buffet), multiple times a week? Do the two of you eat desserst, in bed, while watching the Tonight Show? According to a study of newlywed couples who were tracked over 4 years, those peoiple who were satisfied or happy with their marriage, were more apt to let their weight go than those who were unhappy and considering divorce. (For these spouses, weight loss was thought to be inspired by a desire to attract a potential new mate or lover.) Psychologist Andrea L. Meltzer, lead researcher and an assistant professor at Southern Methodist University in Dallas conducted this study that was funded by the Fetzer Institute, the National Institute of Mental Health, and the National Institute of Child Health and Development.
Losing A Child & Expressions Of Grief Horrific. Many spouses will attempt to contain their grief, believeing that if they appear strong for their partner, the grief for each can be better coped with. Stroebe's research involved interviews with over 200 couples who had lost a child. These parents were of a wide age range. The child's cause of death varied greatly. The spouses were questioned at various intervals (6, 13, and 20 months after the child's death). The results of the study were quite interesting. Overall, it appeared that those couples where one or both spouses attempted to be strong for their wife/ husband, or did not show great grief, the couple's relationship was greatly strained because of this behavior. (In addition to the actual grief of losing a child.) It would seem that expressing one' pain might be more beneficial than keeping a 'brave face'. - Obviously, each of you in this situation must do what you believe to be best. I highly recommend that you seek professional assistance.
Takes On Choosing To Be A Childless Couple I came across this video and thought that despite any references to Mother's Day, it opens the door for conversation and perhaps a better understanding of those couples who choose to be childless. Your comments on this topic, either way, are welcome. And, if posted, your name will not be used. Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Gender & Alcohol Consumption Differences Let's see. We know that alcohol consumption, especially in excess, can impact a marraige's longevity. However, an article to appear this spring in Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research reveals some interesting findings. Fartein Ask Torvik, a researcher at the Norwegian Institute of Public Health , and colleagues based their work on data from a study that involved approx. 20,000 Norwegian couples. The couples were followed for approx. 15 years. Results implied that when both spouses drank heavily, their odds for divorce was lower than normal. (Common behaviors?) The risk when both couples did not consume alcohol was also lower. (Each extreme, similar results?) Surprising was the idea that women who drank heavily were much more likely than men to become divorced. Perhaps because men have a lower tolerance for such behavior and choose divorce more often? Or... ? Bottom line, though, is that alcohol consumption is something to be done in moderation, if at all.
Married Women Suffer Less Abuse? In a study by Dr. Marcelo Urquia, an epidemiologist at the Centre for Research on Inner City Health at St. Michael's Hospital, which was published in the American Journal of Public Health, it would appear that women who were married suffered less substance and other abuse by their spouse than women who simply lived with their partners. Post-partum depression also appeared to be less for married women. While unmarried women had less abuse and post-partum depression the longer that they lived with their lover, the length of a marriage did not seem to greatly impact those women's levels. What do you think? Send your opinions to: Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com If we print your comments here, we would not print your name.
Positive In-Law Relationships Can Impact Odds Of Divorce In Different Ways Who'd have thought? If you care to share your experiences, please contact us at comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .
Who'd Have Thought? - TV Romances Sour Our Real Life One! The 'American Pastime'! - No, not baseball. And, not munching. Although, both are sort of related to it. Well, according to an Albion College study, couples who got into romances shown on television, were less apt to find their own romantic relationship to be satisfying or worth being commited to. So does this mean that couples believe that TV romances are realistic and simply not what they have in their own life? Or, are they simply already dissatisfied with their marriage and TV is an escape for them? Something that allows them to avoid dealing with their real-life situation? The lesson, here? TV shows are usually exagerations of what real life is about. 'Positive and negative'. 'Nuff said.
A Longterm, Really Longterm, Marriage Has Come To An Unfortunate End Actually, it is with a heavy heart that I relay the news that one spouse of the couple believed to have the longest marriage in the United States has died. Our condolences go out to Mr. Faiss who is 101 years young.
Another Reason To Avoid Divorcing, Much has been written regarding the impact of divorce on children. well, here is one additional factor to consider. The International Journal of Stroke has published a study with the lead author being Esme Fuller-Thomson, Sandra Rotman Chair at University of Toronto's Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work and Department of Family and Community Medicine. The belief is that the increase in men could be related to biological embedding.
Sometimes 'Forever' Is Not Forever You can never take your marriage for granted. No matter how long that you have been together. Remember: Adultery, abuse, addiction, criminal acts, are all valid reasons for divorcing your spouse. Just be certain that your reasons are not simply a momentary reaction to the normal ups and downs of a marriage, not wanting to 'be there' for the person whom you promised to love in sickness and in health, money or looks (because both can be fleeting), or...
If You Had Doubts Before Marrying, Were you one of those who had pre-marriage jitters? The study conducted by staff at UCLA (Justin Lavner, the lead author and Benjamin Karney, among others?) examined approx. 230 couples. Of those women with pre-marital doubts, 19% were divorced by 4 years after the 'Big Day'. For husbands, it was 14 %. Of those who did not have the doubts, the percentages were 8% and 9%, respectively. If you are still married, yet fell into one of the 'doubt' groups, then work harder at your marriage. Odds do not have to dictate results!
If You Believe That Your Spouse Needs This, For the spouse who has everything except their partner's trust, allow them to buy you this trinket, a steal at only $550! The purpose? Well, if you were to slip it off, say at a bar, nightclub, or conference, the message will be there for all to see. (Or, so the idea goes... ) If your spouse is bent on cheating, I would imagine that they could easily wrap a bandage around the area. Or, perhaps wait until the imprint fades. Problem is that if you suspect that they will cheat on you, then this will have little effect on their behavior. You need to either seek professional help for your marriage, use suggestions in a book such as Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious, or ... But, the longer that you wait before addressing
the problem, if it is a real urge on their part, the more likely that they will be to act upon it. 'Nuff said.
Men Whose Wives Earn More They Do Increasingly, both spouses are employed. (At least until there are children involved. And, perhaps, even then... ) Of course, one would now expect that there will times when a wife earns more $ than her husband. And, occasionally, there will be times whne she earns substantially more than he does. Now, researchers, Patrick Coughlin and Jay Wade from Fordham University, wanted to determine what effect, if any, such a wage disparity might have on a man's relationship with his partner. The research involved 47 men who were romantically involved with someone. They stated what I believe should have been the 'Obvious. I would hope that future research would examine the exceptions to the rules to determine whether or not there are lessons to be learned which could help the discontented group of males to look more favorably at their partner. (And, how these women might help their mate to be less resentful or insecure regarding this matter.) As an aside, one wonders whether or not this 'phenomenon' would help to explain why so men who are married to celebrities or powerful women, have affairs... When they appear to others, 'to have it all'. 'Nuff said! (If you wish to share your views on this topic, then please send them to : Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com. We will not print your full name or email address if we decide to print your comments.)
Is Forgiveness All That It Is Cracked Up To Be, You've heard it said. So, have I! Many in the fields of psychology and relationships agree with this philospophy. Personally, I agree with Mr. McNulty. There is no single answer for every couple's issues. You must ultimately make your own decisions. 'Nuff said! (If you wish to share your views on this topic, then please send them to : Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com. We will not print your full name or email address if we decide to print your comments.)
Children On The Rise? Acording to research, during the decade from the late 1990's until 2008, there was approx. a 5% decrease in the number of college educated women who were not biological mothers. Any ideas? If so, contact us with your thoughts. Email us at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Asperger's Syndrome and Relationships Although the couple featured in this video were not married, their story & commitment to one another could be of interest to you or someone whom you know. - This is 'the story' of these people and not necessarily that of all with Asperger's Syndrome.
New Census Data Reveals... New U.S. Census data for 2010 shows an approx. 28% increase in the number of interethnic and interracial marriages, over 2000 data. This equates to a 2010 reported rate of 10% of married, heterosexual couples. (The rate for unmarried, same-sex couples was approx. 21%.)
ALABAMA PROPOSED LAW DISMISSED Alabama's House Bill 482 never made it out to a full vote. While I lau dthe concept behind it, I would 1st prefer to see a class required of those seeking to get married. And, either way, a 4 hour class might be insufficient to make a difference. What do you think? A similar bill in Alabama is still 'in play'.
The following video offers some valid information and suggestions regarding emotional affairs. Especially those involving a co-worker.
Show your wife or husband just how much that they mean to you!
'In The News' - But Why Are Some Folks Surprised? This week, Newt Gringich's 2nd wife made an astounding accusation. She claimed that the potential Presedential candidate had asked her to participate in an 'open marriage'. Newt denied this. So, who knows the truth? Probably, only themselves. Hear this segment for the first time (or once again), by clicking here.
What's Your View On Shared Custody? Yes, you are correct! This is a marriage site. And, one devoted to improving and preserving marriages. That said, the following concerns itself with a Bill put forth in New Hampshire. A very contentious one. After reading this, doing some additional reading (if you wish to), and giving the matter some serious thought, we would appreciate it if you would comment on this bill. (Your name and email will not be posted or shared outside of this site unless required by law.) Now, on to the situation... Rep. Jeff Oligny, R-East Hampstead, sponsored Bill HB-591. It essenially calls for 50-50, shared parental custody resulting from a divorce. Except in cases where such matters as abuse & neglect would be considered harmful to the children. In New Hampshire, custody goes to the mother, approx. 70% of the time. Fathers get it approx. 10% of the time. And, finally, shared custody occurs in approx. 1 out of 5 cases. Opponents claim that the bill is really a disguised attempt at letting mostly fathers off-of-the-hook for child support payments (or at least reducing them). They also claim that in most divorces, both parents agree to who gets custody. But, ask many fathers (and some mothers) and they will say that isnot true. That they wished that they could have had at least shared custody. What do you believe that the N.H. legislators should do with this bill? Wouldyou like to see it enacted elsewhere, even nationally?
We thought that this video regarding chores in a marriage had some great points.
Some (Perhaps) Surprising Insight On Infidelity Most of us assume that men and women have sexual affairs simply because they are like sex addicts or don't get enough sex from their partners. (These 2 concepts are different.) A recently published study conducted by Robin Milhausen, Kristen Mark, and Erick Janssen offers some interesting insights into the motivations for cheating which they found frequently different among the sexes. They involved approx. 900 men and women who professed being faithful, of whom an avergae of approx. 21% later admitted to not being so. For women, they learned from those who cheated among the 412 women they had in the research, that women who believed that they were not sexually compatible with their spouses were approx. 3 times more likely to cheat. Those who were dissatisfied with their marriage were approx. 2 times more likely. For the men who had sex outside of their marriage from the 506 men in the study, researchers learned that being easily aroused by many different stimuli or questioning their own sexual prowess were large factors involved in the infidelity. Now, these are obviously not the only reeasons. But perhaps frequent ones, nonetheless.
Health Benefits of Marriage Marriage is often 'blamed' for causing stress, ulcers, baldness... You name it! But according to some fairly recent studies, marriage can be a positive influence on one's health. #1 Colon cancer is a very common form, affecting many of us. In a study of approx. 128,000 patient records, by Brigham Young University & the Penn State College of Medicine, married patients had a 14% better opportunity to survive. The reason? While not knowing definitively, one can imagine that having the support, caretaking, company, and love of a spouse could account for this. #2 In a study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, the claim is made that husbands seek care for heart attacks sooner than single men. #3 Married women live longer than never married or divorced women, according to Scott Haltzman, MD, of Brown University. DR. Haltzmanwrote the book, The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment.
Whom Do Financially Well-Off Women Choose As A Partner? In a large study published in Evolutionary Psychology conducted by staff at the University of Abertay Dundee, as women gain more financial independence, they often will choose an older, established, and physically handsome male partner.
The following advice applies overall, for wives, as well as husbands.
An increasingly common situation, especially during the recession:
On Sleeping In Separate Beds
Employment and Divorce - A 'Gender' Perspective Upon reading about research from Ohio State University, involving Liana Sayer, regarding the impact of either the wife or husband's employment status on the likelihood of initiating a divorce, I was struck by something with implications for improving a marriage. The research essentially said that a wife's employment status did not increase or decrease the odds of the husband initiating a divorce. However, the husband's employment status did impact the likelihood that either spouse would seek a divorce. So, what is my point? In this recession, if the husband is struggling to find or keep a job, the wife should put extra effort into building up his ego and letting him know how much he is loved. Is it fair for me to suggest that the woman should bear this extra 'burden'? Absolutely. Because there are times when I believe that the man should go out of his way to help the wife/ marriage. 'Nuff said!
Few of us wish to think about 'wills'.
Your Mood and Health We've all heard folks say that couples who are married for a long time, often begin to think like their spouse. And, complete the other' ssentences. Now, the results of a long-term study of over 1,500 couples over 75 years of age point to a strong relationship involving depression and physical health limitations. The study lasted over 15 years and was conducted by researchers at Pennsylvania State University and the University of British Columbia. It was published in Health Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association. They found that the condition
which one spouse had often impacted the other in a similar way. Of course, it sort of makes sense, but have we considered the other logical conclusion that one might draw? That if your spouse is in an unusually good mood and good health, yours might improve? What if each of you is at opposite points in your life? Well, hopefully the healthier one will win out. Remember: We tend to have more power over our moods and physical conditions, than we give ourselves credit for.
Gratitude Goes A Long Way In Marriages A study in Personal Relationships points to the benefits of acts of kindness/ gratitude toward your spouse. -- But, doesn't that make sense? Unless you are married to a selfish person or a narcissist, decent people respond favorably to their loved one doing something kind
for them.
Who Wants To Go Here, Yet It Is An Obvious Reality... With an ever-increasing number of women and men living older... And an increasing number of senior citizens developing dementia or alzheimer's disease... Caregiving has become a major role for many spouses. Experts recommend that caregiving spouses in such situations arrange for respite time. That is, time when the caregiver can get away for a day or so and not worry about their loved one's well-being. The respite provider could be an adult child, licensed nurse, or any one of several types of 'companions for hire'. There is also a sense of guilt that many spousal caregivers experience. But, you need to remember that it is okay to take care of your own needs. Wouldn't your husband or wife want that for you? And, may God watch over you, all. 'Nuff said!
Divorce Rate In Rural America Is Now On Par With Urban Areas Time was when rural parts of America could be counted on as bastiens of long marriages, without a high divorce rate. Nowadays, the rates among those in both urban and rural areas are similar. So, that there is one less difference among Americans. But, I find that sad. And while economics and education are supposedly at play here, we can work at changing this situation. So that hopefully all of the nation is on the same level, but with a lower divorce rate. All the more reasons that we must all work harder on improving our marriages.
Mother-In-Law Is More Than A Song Title.
Idealizing Your Spouse Could Make You Happier? People tend to have a fairly accurate idea of who they are, overall. But when it comes to others, that's not always the case. A study in Psychological Science offers an interesting concept. In their study of roughly 200, mostly white, middle-class couples, found that when a spouse had a very positive, idealized vision of their partener, when they wed, they tended to have a happier marriage. Happier than those who did not. Now, one has to wonder whether or not their findings would hold true for other tpes of individuals. But, one has to think that this is another example of having a poisitive attitude and it's impact on others and ourselves.
Long-Term Married Hollywood Stars If these Hollywood stars can make a marriage last, then why not you and your spouse? A good marriage is not easy. But, well worth it. William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito Jay Leno and Mavis Nicholson Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
This school produced short is long on message.
E-Visitation? Are you serious? -- You Bethcha!! Some things just cannot be made up. - Okay... They can be. But, this is for real. And, might in fact provide some benefit for children and parents of divorce. What am I referriing to? Nothing but a virtual visitation. Or, e-visitation, if you will. Well, thanks to the geeks of the world, and their 'offspring' (Skype, et cetera), some courts are mandating virtual visitation in these cases. North Carolina, Illinois, Texas, Florida, Utah, and Wisconsin already have passed legislation for this practice. Some other states have laws pending or have expressed a desire to possibly pursue this avenue. Given the enhanced interaction, both visually and auditorially, for those involved, e-visitation, while not an 'equal' substitute for 'the real thing' could allow for a better relationship for all involved. While the addage of 'reach out and touch someone' by voice, alone, can be meaningful, this option allows for so much more! Imagine the child being able to show their awards or artwork or even the dreaded report cards, to their non-custodial parent! And, to get an instant visual and audio applause or other sign of pride! Again, while divorce is not something that should be entered into lightly... And definitely moving children from their parent is not ideal (unless there is abuse or addiction involved)... This option could certainly help to maintain bonds among the parent and their children.
Weigh In On This One As much as we can say that one's weight should have no impact in our marriage, and for many of us it doesn't except as a concern for one's health... There are still those who believe that their own or their spouse's weight is important for sexual attraction. And, there are those women who believe that men want a skinny wife. - Well, as much as that might be true for some men out there, a study suggests a different variation on the theme. What do you think? Do men want skinny wives? (There truly is no 'right or wrong' response. So please send us your opinion/ anecdotes. We won't print your name with your piece if we decide to print it here. Simply click to send us your thoughts.
Following is a very sweet Valentine's video. What a role model!
Could Co-Parenting Result In Spousal Tensions? A recent study involving 2 parent families with a 4 year old child came up with a surprising conclusion While spousal relations were good when both parents spent 'fun' time with the child, if both were involved with such tasks as bathing and eating, different 'parenting styles' could show and there appeared to be spousal stress among some studied couples. So does this mean that the desire for 'equal' sharing of parenting depends upon the situation? Who knows for certain, but it does make a certain sense. Is this finding something that you have experienced? (If so, please let us know. We will not publish your names, if we choose to print your response.)
Recycle Wedding Gowns Plus... What to do with that wedding gown, brides maid dress, or other unwanted/ gently used/ new wedding item?
This humorous song is meant to result in laughs and not offense.
Couple Actually Celebrates When we often aspire to a longterm marriage, the number 50 (as in years) comes to mind. If we are very 'adventurous', we might dare to think of making it for our 75th anniversary.
Note that we neither endorse nor otherwise judge the advice, star, or business of the following video.
Divorce InsuranceNow, we've 'heard it all'!
Economics and Men & Women Having An Affair/sAccording to a study which will be presented at the 105th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association, men who are either very dependent upon their wives for financial support or those men who make much more money than their wives, are substantialy more likely to cheat than other men. Meanwhile, women who greatly depend financially on their husband are less apt to stray.
According to Adopting.Org, the divorce rate among couples with more children is less than that of childless couples and those with a few children. Likewise, if the children are older, the odds of divorce are more likely.
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Keeping a Marriage Happy
By CD Mohatta
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Marriages are taken for granted. After the honeymoon period is over, couples co exist. Most of the time without any charm in their married life. Everything becomes a routine- eating, sleeping, everything becomes highly predictable and dull. If kids arrive in the life of a married couple, which they invariably do, the attention shifts more to upbringing of the children.
What happened to the early romance? Why does a marriage kill a perfect romance? Why do people break up and divorce each other so soon after the marriage? What happens in the period of their married life that brings it to either a dull existence or an end?
The very first change that can be noticed is -care. Yes, before marriage, a partner is more worried about how to take care of the other partner. After marriage it is the other way round. Why are you not paying any attention to my needs? Why do you not care for me? Why are you acting so selfishly? Why is your work more important than me? Why can you not wash the dishes alone? Yes, I agree that you need a holiday badly, but where is the money? Accusations of different types fly around and make a hell of what was heavenly togetherness earlier.
Keeping one's married life happy is very essential. Complaining about the partner will not help, but understanding each other's needs and trying to fulfill them will. Partners need to go back in life and look for that spark that kindled the love in the first place. What did you admire in your partner before marriage? Do you still admire that or not? What did you like before that you hate now? Reflect. Go back and think. Bring that charm back. Complimenting each other for the smallest act, expressing happiness of living together, letting the partner know how much you value her/him and so many small things that make the other partner happy must be done daily.
Why ignore your husband or wife and feel envious about other couples. Why not create a happy life that others envy? Why not make the other partner feel needed and good at all the times. Why not forgive even a big blunder? Why not put yourself in your partner's shoes and think about the life he/she is living. Why not bring the romance back by going for candle light dinners, or watching the sunset together? Let the sun set, but keep your marriage happy.
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The author likes to write articles. He also writes text and consults for internet and social networking content like Twitter backgrounds and quizzes Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=CD_Mohatta
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Advice For a
Marriage - How to Deal With the "M" Word
by D.
A. Campbell
Do not think that for one minute it plays
favorites. It has intruded on couples that have been married for
twenty plus years and made a mess of things.
At the opposite end
of the scale, newlyweds just starting out with dreams of love that
they believe will sustain them through anything and everything have
gotten a rude wake up call. And couples in between newlywed and long
term have felt the sting.
It has broken up many marriages and
engagements for that matter. You never know when it's going to strike
but it's always out there even when you think that you have got a
handle on it.
The it is money and through the years it has tested
many a relationship. Some have passed with flying colors; others were
not so fortunate. Even those that came thru have the scars to prove
it.
The truth is talking about money is an integral part of any
relationship. You and your significant other are pooling your
resources to work for a better life. There is also no escaping the
reality that money makes the world go round. The dream house, the
nice car, food on the table, traveling to a romantic getaway and
keeping the lights are not freebies. It also does not help either
that the cost of living keeps rising and the economy is in shambles.
Couples know this going into the relationship but still they get
blindsided. Money can do that if you and your spouse are not careful.
1. Talk Now
People see the same exact thing and give
completely different answers as well as perspectives. Money is one of
those things. Do they believe in saving for a rainy day or are they
of the mindset that life is short so spend it while you can?
Realizing there were two different philosophies at play has come as
an unpleasant surprise to a lot of couples.
Talking now may save
you another surprise and that is your significant other has debt.
They may have managed to keep a roof over their head but their life
is short philosophy has come at a price they cannot afford. Even
spouses that have been married a few years were stunned to find out
that when it comes to finances their significant other was leading a
double life.
2. Same Book Different Chapter
Both of you
have been doing a good job with the family finances in particular
saving money. But one spouse thinks that the movie size flat screen
TV monitor they saw online (serious high definition) would sure look
good on that empty wall in the living room. Meanwhile the other
spouse also went on line and saw the perfect vacation package; a nice
cruise with all the trimmings at a great price.
A difference of
opinion on how to utilize money is going to happen. Some have used it
as a stepping stone to find the middle ground. It does not
necessarily mean they are happy with the decision. However both
accept the fact that some sort of compromise was needed. Or they may
even decide to take turns. This time around one spouse gets their way
but both work hard to make sure that in the near future the other
spouse also gets their way.
Needless to say a few couples use
that difference of opinion as a starting point to tearing the
marriage apart.
3. Your Mad Money
The two of you respect
and understand each other's likes and dislikes. It doesn't mean you
want to go along with it completely. So you decide it is in the best
interest of the relationship to have your own separate accounts. This
is okay as long as it does not take away from what should be the main
focus; the overall financial health of the family. If you decide to
put a certain amount into your separate account that is fine. But
understand that life intrudes and some months a percentage of that
money is going to have to be redirected into the family budget.
Mad
money is a terrific way to pamper yourself and we all need that from
time to time. But keep it secondary.
It is hard to avoid the talk
of money in any relationship. Even if a couple is financially well
off the discussion can still come up. And like other hot button
issues such as politics and religion, if you are not careful the
discussion can get very heated and very emotional with both sides
digging in their heels and refusing to budge.
Article written
by Daryl Campbell at The Relationship Tip. Click
here to improve the bond between you and your significant other
beyond your wildest dreams.
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Parenting is an extremely important part of many (not all) marriages. To that end, here is some parenting advice. It is that of the author and you and your spouse/significant other should make your own decisions regarding its appropriateness for your family.
Inappropriate Behavior as a "Teachable Moment"
By: Norma Schmidt
Two boys in a first grade classroom were arguing loudly over an item they both wanted to use at the same time.
Their teacher approached them in a friendly way and said, "Boys, it sounds like you two are having a problem. Let's talk it out."
One of the boys told his side of the story, his face still tense but his voice lowered to an "indoor" volume. The second boy listened and then, without any prompting, came up with a solution to which the first boy readily agreed.
"Great job!" the teacher beamed. "See? You can talk it out!"
A TEACHING PERSPECTIVE CAN PRODUCE AMAZING RESULTS WHEN KIDS BEHAVE INAPPROPRIATELY.
If we approach unwanted behavior from the perspective of our child's judge/jury/jailer, our first impulse may be to punish.
But punishment doesn't teach kids what they SHOULD be doing. It doesn't expand kids' problem-solving skills, teach them how to repair social mistakes, or improve their social perception.
Fortunately, punishment isn't the only available tool.
WE CAN CHOOSE TO VIEW THE INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR AS A "TEACHABLE MOMENT."
When the teacher in the story above heard the two boys arguing, she spotted a chance to teach better social problem-solving.
Inviting the boys to "talk it out" reminded them of their capacity to problem-solve without shouting or arguing. They saw that "talking it out" could work, and they were more likely to "talk it out" next time.
A teaching perspective has room for punishment in some cases, but the focus is on helping kids learn the skills they need to behave appropriately.
If we view inappropriate behavior as a learning opportunity for the child, new options open up.
HERE ARE TEN CHOICES FOR MAKING THE MOST OF A TEACHABLE MOMENT:
1. Redirect the child toward a more appropriate activity.
2. Inform the child that what they're doing "isn't a good idea" or "isn't safe."
3. Give a friendly reminder about the rule the child needs to be following.
4. Guide the child through the steps of apologizing.
5. Ask the child to consider how others feel when she engages in the inappropriate behavior.
6. Help the child make amends to anyone negatively affected by the inappropriate behavior. Ask, "What can we do to help (name of person) feel better now?"
7. In the case of a conflict, prompt the children to "talk it out," providing assistance as needed.
8. Give a new rule, if the situation wasn't covered by the rules the child has already been taught.
9. Invite the child to think of a better to way to ask for what they want or need in the situation.
10. Teach the child appropriate words/behaviors to replace the inappropriate ones.
The rules of appropriate social behavior take a long time to learn and an even longer time to internalize as habits. Even adults don't do it perfectly!
When we use our child's behavior mistakes as opportunities to offer guidance, we're giving our child their best chance to become more kind, responsible and socially competent.
Author Bio
Norma Schmidt is a parent of two and a former Lutheran minister. Her career includes serving as a pastor, campus minister and cancer center chaplain. She has also worked with children with disabilities. Norma offers workshops on parenting and on living with serious illness. Her writing has appeared in "Coping with Cancer" magazine. Download her free report, "61 Great Ways to Teach Kids about Money" and look through her other articles by going to www.ParentCafeOnline.com.
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COVID-19 In Kids
WHO SAYS THAT EMPTY NESTERS
ARE LESS HAPPY THAN THOSE
WITH CHILDREN LIVING AT HOME?
It's comon knowledge, isn't it that those couples who still have children living at home are happier than their counterparts?
Well, some recent research has turned this idea 'on it's head'.
Apparently, many couples, find that the quality of their time together improves when children are out on their own. There are less interruptions, schedules to keep track of, situations needing immediate attention, and .the added benefit of more energy. Energy which can be partly used for time with a husband or wife.
If the couple downsizes their home, there is less physical upkeep.
Finances free up for other pruchases than kids' clothing, medical, leisure activities, and food.
Then, of course, couples might feel more comfortable being physically affectionate with one another. They might be more apt to have sex, now that there are no children to 'burst in' at an inopportune moment or to hear the sounds of passion..
Now, we are not saying that these studies guarantee the above benefits, for every couple. - Simply, that life after raising children into independent adults can be great!
Check Out 'The Couple Conflict Consultant'
Couples arguing is certainl not new. However, research by Dr. Keith Sanford at Baylor University is studying conflicts in marriages, from multiple angles. With one goal being that of helping spouses to better develop ways in which to deal with anger.
A key component of Dr. Sanford's research involves the The Couple Conflict Consultant, found at this website: http://www.pairbuilder.com/ . It is free and contains no advertisements. It could help you to develop communication & conflict resolution skills.
Well worth checking out and deciding if you believe that it can help your marriage.
(If you try it, we would appreciate you letting us know how helpful that you thought it was. Do so, anonymously, by contacting us at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .
Discussion: Finances in marriage
American Divorce Rate Drops! - Why?
After decades of the Baby Boomers and even their parents accounting for close to 50% divorce rates (according to some studies), the rate has dropped approx. 20% when looking at the period of 2008 - 2016.
So, why the huge change? Many theories exist but researchers, including Philip Cohen, a University of Maryland professor, have some serious ideas. One is that Baby Boomers are much older and those who would divorce possibly did so, already. Then there is the fact that many people are waiting to marry, until they are older, settled in a career, perhaps more mature, and aware of the type of person and relationship that they want.
Unfortunately, another factor is that many young people are simply living together and bypassing the marriage commitment.
Your thoughts? Send them to: Thoughts@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Back-to-School Tips for Parents & Teens
Yes, Young Adults Can Be Very Optimistic
About A Marriage Lasting Forever!
Jeffrey Arnett, a Clark University psychology professor and author, has some great news for those of us who have questioned the marriage golas of young adults.
While many of us have thought those who came from a family with divorce would be skeptical that a marriage could, in fact, last 'forever', Arnett's research showed the opposite is true.
1,029 adults who were 18 - 29. Approx. 85% of them believed that they would marry at some point in time and that it would be a 'forever' union! Approx. 2/3 of them thought that they would choose (notice that word) to forego some career goals in favor of having a family.
All of this gives us hope, doesn't it? Not only for the future generation, but for our own lives.
'Nuff said!
From The Mouth of 'Babes'!
Second-grader’s essay on parents using smartphones ignites debate
Click here.For better or worse, we have too often become so used to our smartphones and tablets that they have become almost an extra limb.
But think about this: A massive increase in pedestrian and driving fatalities are tied to the use of phones/tablets. You have some street poles with padding placed on them because people don't notice them and bang heads on them! Some streets have traffic lights embedded in the street itself because people do not look up from their devices even when at a busy intersection. People eat dinner together, physically, but never look up from their scial media to actually have a live conversation.
Check out this brief video and discuss it at home and work. And, perhaps, anonymously share your thoughts. (If we decide to use them, we will not include your name with it on the site. - Send to Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .)
Abstinence-Only Programs Probably Do Not Do What You Hope
The Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health has covered the findings of 2 scientific review papers. They support those of other research papers.
Unfortunately, regardless of your personal religious and moral belies, abstinence-only programs until marriage have once again been shown to be largely ineffective.
Sexual misinformation, unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and more are common with those who attend such programs.
During the past 35 years, the US has spent over $2 billion on these programs.
Additionally, one can find an increase of sexual misinformation spreading.
Especially when you consider the massively high percentage rate of teenagers who have a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps you should re-think your views regarding sex ed.
For more regarding this topic, please go to: https://www.mailman.columbia.edu/public-health-now/news/abstinence-only-until-marriage-programs-and-policies-are-failure
Admittedly, I am not for the act of divorce to be taken lightly. And, I seldom have seen Divorce Court on TV, since my much younger days.
But the following advice from the judge is outstanding. Check it out!
Stop Posting Your Relationship Business On Social Media
View this important piece here.
Money problems are the 1st or 2nd biggest reason for marital problems.
Here are some tips to consider.
Monila Hoyt
SEPARATE BEDS - Good For Marriages?
Ever since TV shows left the '50s and '60s behind, with the twin beds for the married stars, the word has been that only troubled marriages have separate beds or even different bedrooms for the spouses. - But, is that true? - Well, in many instances the answer is 'Yes'.
However, there are many marriages that are saved by this. Because of snoring, tossing & turning, differeing sleep schedules... there are many people who swear that their marriage was helped by this type of separation. Better rest. Less tension... And, when they choose to connect and share a bed for sex, the passion and satisfaction is greater!
So, learn what will work best for your situation. The worst that happens is that you go back to sleeping together, nightly.
According to a Duke University study, the best time for children of unwed parents to have them tie the knot is before 3 years of age. But, while this good for the child, for a while, it doesn't seem to be great for Mom and Dad. Why? Because they seem to get divorced at a fairly high rate. The study checked into the lives of over 5,000 children whose mother was not married when they were born.
Contrarians, however can point out that the study's finding of an approx. 40% divorce rate is not far from the 'typical' divorce rate.
Your thoughts? Send them to: Admin@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .
https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=jAGZHyrle9A
What do you recommend for interfaith couples raising children?
Especially with the Jewish High Holy Days and Hanukkah approaching and Christmas also on it's way, I offer this individual's take on Interfaith Marriage. I agree with some and not all of what he says. I hoope that you hlisten and then form your own opinion.
(If you wish to anonymously share your interfaith marriage and children issues, please send them to: Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com Including if you were the child in an interfaith family, as opposed to a parent in it.)
Sexting, Blackmail, and More...
Parents, you have an obligation to help educate your Tweens & Teens about dangers that lurk on the Internet. Turning a blind eye to them does not make them any less of a threat to your children. -- Please share the following with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sexy! And, they want You!!
They approached you on social
media and things started slowly. You established a
'friendship' of sorts. Then, they asked for a photo...
Perhaps of your face. They responded about how beautiful or
handsome you are. From there, things progressed. Perhaps
they offered to send you a photo or two. Boy, were they
built! In return, they asked for some sexy photos or videos
of you. Sometimes, the request involves nudity or sex acts
of some sort.
The problem is that the person on the
other end is often no who you think they are. It's probably
an older person. Usually, but not always, a man. Then, the
blacmail begins. They might request money from you or your
parents' credit card info. Other times, they ask for more
and more inappropriate photos or videos.
This problem
is an international one. Infac, the Unied Kingdom has had
almost 1,000 reported instances of blackmail related to the
Internet. They believe that this number represents a gross
under-reporting, due to embarassment and fear of others'
reactions, especially those of family members/other loved
ones.
Sadly, there have been reports of suicide, as a result of
the blackmail.
Be wise!! Don't exchange sexy or
other inappropriate photos, videos, or emails. It's not
really cool.
If you find yourself the victim of
blackmail, let your parents or guardian know. And, inform
the police.
Finally, if you have gone ahead and trusted someone on the net (or even in your local school) with sexy images of yourself, just stop. And realize that negative fallout from doing it would not be 'the end of the world'. Even if it feels as though it were! So, don't do anything foolish.
IMPORTANT! The following videos
should be watched with your parent/guardian. It contains
very sensitive material. Produced by the Canadian
Broadcasting Corporation. Viewed on YouTube over 2 million
times.
Again, please watch with your
parent/guardian.
Click here:
The
Sextortion of Amanda Todd - the fifth estate
Click here:
Teen
Shares Sexting Story, Tells Parents 'Don't Be Naive'
How Cheaters & Their Spouses/Lived-With Partners Differ
Cheaters (un)surprisingly will often stay married, but those who were cheated on will often leave.
Michelle Frisco, and Derek Kreager, both Penn State professors, plus Marin Wenger, who is an sistant professor at Florida State University, published a study of couples.
They surveyed young couples who were married and living together without the status of matrimony. They wanted to know about having an affair and what they and their partner (once aware of the infidelity) would do.
The results mentioned in this piece's opening is hardly surprising. - A great study would seek to discover ways for couples to wish fidelity!
(By the way, you can read about this study in Extradyadic sex and union dissolution among young adults in opposite-sex married and cohabiting unions. Social Science Research, 2016; DOI: 10.1016/j.ssresearch.2016.08.013 )
The following piece was posted a few years ago on the Rhode Island State Senate website. Yet, it's messages, unfortunately, still apply today.
WE ALL OWN A PIECE OF THE BULLYING PROBLEM
Whether we were the bully or bullied. The guy or gal who joined in the harassing so that we remained 'cool' with our friends. The ones who hung back and watched with morbid curiosity; glad that we were not the one getting kicked or verbally beaten-up. The teen who simply didn't c are about anything that did not directly involve us. - The teacher or administrator who did nothing because of fear of lawsuits. Or, who truly had no idea of what should be done.
And, bullying follows into the workplace. More on that, shortl But first...
The other day, I spoke with a father whose son had refused to go to school. The teen was a geek, without friends outside of class, unless you counted his online gaming partners. My hunch is that the young man was being bullied or otherwise threatened. The pain and frustration in the dad's voice still haunts me. - And, it brought back memories of my own teen years. Where I grew up as a member of that neighborhood's racial and religious minority. People watched my harassment and did nothing. That is until a buddy of some of these bullies,who also happened to be huge in size, came to my defense. And, you know what? This 'gentle giant' had more guts and heart than teachers, administrators, or peers did!
So, what's the point of this trip down my memory lane? Simply this:
We have all been part of the 'Bullying & Harassing' problem. One way or another. But we all could be like that gentle giant and do something.
YOUR SCHOOL RESPONSIBILITY
Whether or not you have children in school, you own this problem. Why? Because the bullies are the type to be vandals in your community. Or, to be the rude, loud, and obnoxious neighbors whom you detest. -- And, because those who are picked on, could someday be your grandchildren, or nieces or nephews, or... Or, they already are...
You need to let the schools know that this situation is not acceptable. That when adults see fights or threats, they need to act swiftly. And without cowardice, fearing lawsuits from the bullies' parents.
Administrators need to punish the bully differently than their victim, if the bully begins a fight and the other student is simply defending themselves.
Schools need to do more than have yearly 2 hour assemblies discussing the situation.
They need to utilize student-run skits and plays regarding bullying, harassment, and tolerance. - We need schools bringing in 'kids-now-adults' who can let the bullied know that life does get better. - We need schools to offer 'Life Skills' classes. Where they learn what is needed to survive and then some, in the real world of adulthood. We need to add books on 'Life Skills' to the summer reading lists.
THROUGHOUT THE SUMMER
Unfortunately, the Internet with all of it's wonder has also provided bullies with an incredibly harmful weapon. Facebook, Twitter, and countless other social network sites provide a powerful tool for spreading rumors and harassing innocent teens.
So that the summer vacation simply allows bullies more time and opportunities for getting off on making others' miserable. And, possibly, suicidal.
Your responsibility as a parent is to kick it up a notch! Safeguard your kids. Show them that you care. That you don't have to be a miserable authoritarian, but neither should you relinquish your responsibility and act as if you were your teen's buddy. Be a parent, first. Friend, second. - If your child is being a jerk, then call he or she on it. - Don't assume that girls aren't bullies. Some are.
BULLIES SOMETIMES GROW UP TO BE A BOSS OR CO-WORKER
Too many of us have had bosses who are really just adult versions of the 'mean kid' in school. They get off on finding fault with your work, even when the quality is there. Or, you have the co-worker who sets you up. Or takes credit for your work.
When that happens, show courage. If a talk with them doesn't get results, go to your union steward. If there is no union, then go to your bosses' boss. Or, your co-worker's supervisor.
Don't be the truly heroic police officer who tolerates their partner's harassment of minorities, youth, or others. It takes away from your 'badge's shine' - Stand up for your co-worker when you hear them being chewed-out over something they had not done.
The bottom line at work is that we are now adults. We need to stand up for ourselves and others. And, thus, set an example for our children.
BOTTOM-LINE
Bullying has become more grotesque and destructive than it has ever been. And, it's up to us to speak out for those who cannot or who don't know how to!
We should not tolerate any more teen suicides. Apathetic or lawsuit-weary administrators. You need to contact the schools in your district. The parent-teacher organizations. The political powers that be, in your area.
As trite as it sounds, the bullies of today can grow up to be the 'work tyrants' of tomorrow. Unless we behave as grownups should. And, take a stand for those too weak to do so on their own.
It's only part of 'The Obvious'. The things we too often ignore or purposely choose to overlook.
You have the power to make a difference. Use it!
'Nuff said. Bullying doesn't take a vacation .
And we all own a part of the Bullying Phenomena.
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HELP PROTECT
YOUR CHILD AND OTHERS
DURING PROM-TIME
Prom-time is here again. Your daughter or son will ask many things of you, so that they will have a memorable night. Well, as their parent, NOT their friend, you have some serious responsibilities. I suggest that you and they watch these videos before final prom arrangements are made.
Chelsea's Choice - Prom Drinking and Driving Short Film (PSA)
Every 15 Minutes: Castro Valley High School 2014
WTOV NBC News 9 Stephani Victor tells story to Oak Glen students
Spousal Age Differences
Once again, 'The Obvious' is shown to be true, on average.
A study conducted by Emory University and whose data was analyzed by Randal Olson looked at the impact of age differences between spouses on the likelihood of divorce.
Well, the greater the age difference, the higher the odds of a divorce occuring. How much higher are the odds? Well, for example, if the age difference is only 1 year, than it is only about a 3% increase. A 5 year difference increases the odds by approx. 20%. And a 30 year difference can lead to a 172 % increase in splitting!
The reasons are fairly obvious, I believe. Differences in maturity, childhood and adolescent expeiences, lifestyles & technology while growing up, where they are on the employment ladder, child-rearing theories that they were exposaed to, health status based upon aging, and similar aspects of life.
So, does this mean that you should never marry someone older or younger than yourself? Of course not. But, certainly weigh these differences. Discuss them, openly and honestly, before marriage. For if you fear that doing so will break-up your relationship, than you have serious issues at this moment in time... Ones that will only get worse, the longer that they go unspoken.
And, finally, while it can be greatly flattering to have that piece of female or male 'eye-candy' on your arm, the 'glow' will most likely fade with time. Perhaps as little as a month or a year!
If you are already wed to someone older than yourself (or younger), then be aware of pitfalls, especially those involving children, mutual friends, activities you enjoy, money, and health. Work as hard as you can to make things work. (Realizing that things sometimes will not... )
'Nuff said.
Is it ok for spouses to take separate vacations?
Galtime TV
Lover's Box
Do I have your attention? - Yes? - Good!
We obviously live a massively digital world. And, many spouses have begun to fear that all of this technology is making romance... Romantic gestures, obsolete. - And, that we will be numb to our mate's overtures.
Well, this does not have to be the case. Not if we try hard enough. And, some folks at Newcastle University are out to show us that it can be done.
They created a combination wooden jewelry box (made in a choice of woods) and high-tech greeting card, if you will. - When opened, there is a video screen and it will play a recorded message from your spouse.
They had multiple couples do this and the results were quite positive. It was viewed as a 'keepsake'. A treasure that could last.
Bottom-line is that technology does not have to be the enemy in a marriage. It simply has to be used wisely. And, judiciously.
'Nuff said!
Support For Not Working Toward An Exactly 50/50 Split On Chores
As I have stated in the book, Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious, and elsewhere in this site, it is not wise to become obsessed with attempting to divide the number of household chores in a 50/50 split. The important part is that both spouses are involved with the household chores, do at least some together, and that the balance is geneally acceptable to each person.
Well, a study by Erin Holmes of Brigham Young University and other academics from the University of Missouri and Utah State University found that when spouses worked together, the split became less important. Teamwork at home, as at places of employment, is a major factor in satisfaction with others. The study will appear in the Journal of Family Issues.
Husbands! It Might Not Be You, After All,
When Your Wife Finds More Faults With You...
Many husbands deal with monthly spikes in their wives' critical assessment of them.
This has left these spouses wondering whether or not this is due to their wives' menstrual cycle or simply other stressors.
Well, according to a study by UCLA and it's lead author, Christina Larson, there does appear to be a correlation between a woman's fertile cycle and how she views her mate.
They questioned women who in one group had husbands that they felt were very sexually attractive and women who felt that their husbands might be less sexually attractive but 'stable'. Questiosn were asked of them during the low period of fertility and during the high period.
Well, it seemed that for those with highly sexually attractive mates, the level of closeness to them and satisfaction with them, remained fairly constant. However, for those wives who were married to less masculine and sexually attractive husbands, the level of closeness dropped during period of high fertility. They also found more fault with them at this time.
There must be a 'lesson' in here, somewhere, don't you think?
Sexual Addiction: Research Says It Does Exist?
Most of us have laughed along with talk show hosts, comics, and friends whenever a celebrity is caught with their pants down or their skirt up and they blame the affair on 'Sexual Addiction'. - 'Cause it simply sounds so ridiculous. So convenient when caught in the act. And, because people do not parade down the street having intercourse or oral sex, as they do with alcohol or drugs, we feel justified in our laughter.
Well, Rory Reid, a research psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Semel Institute of Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA, headed up a group of mental health professionals of many educational and professional backgrounds. Their task was to see whether or not 'Hypersexual Disorder' truly existed and could be evaluated with specific diagnostic tools and criteria.
200+ patients were involved. And the researchers tried to account for other conditions such as substance abuse. Their diagnostic tools appear to have had a very high level of accuracy in diagnosing Hypersexual Disorder.
Now, this does not yet mean that the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) will include Hypersexual Disorder as a legitimate mental health disorder. But, it is a step in that direction.
Some of the findings of the study will be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine
Who knew?
Online Marriages Are Happier & Last Longer?
"Marital Satisfaction and Breakups Differ Across Online and Offline Meeting Venues," in the current issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences offers some interesting ideas (or facts).
This study that was the result of an eHarmony request found that those couples who met online reported a higher rate of satisfaction and longevity than those who did not.
That said, the differences were not huge. The number surveyed was relatively small.
However, the conclusions do appear to be logical. Those who meet online often avoid some of the preliminary 'getting-to-know-you games' that other couples play.
If they meet through an online dating service, the odds are that they have already gone through a 'compatibility/ pre-screening' process.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out, down the road.
If you have some personal thoughts or experiences to share, please let us know! Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Have Federal Efforts To Promote Marriage Among
Single Mothers Resulted In Less Poverty
And Lasting Relationship?
Since 1996, the U.S. government promoted marriage among single mothers with the intent of not only promoting stable 2-parent families, but a life out of poverty.
The rate of poverty among single parent mothers, in 2013, is thought to be approximately 46%, while that of 2 parent familes was closer to 10%.
So, how well did these many years of government programs work? Well, not that well. According to one study, almost 66% of those single parent mothers who married, were divorced by their mid-40s. And poverty was not escaped for long, for many of these women, if at all.
So, what is the lesson to be learned? Well, that depends upon whom you speak with. Some will say that marriage in and of itself is not the 'magic' soution to a life of low income and a stable family life. Others will say that these women needed to make ebtter choices in a spouse. Still others will blame a lack of job skills, education, and their own upbringing. Well, who knows for certain? And, the truth might just be a combination of some or all of these factors. Even other ones.
My take away is simply that whether we speak of teens getting married for a better quality of living instead of a variety of factors, including love and compatibility... Or, we speak of single mothers who marry primarily to give their childen a stable 2 paren family... Marriage for the sake of marriage and providing 2 parents to children is not the answer.
What do you think? Let me kow at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com . (If we use your comments here, we will only use your first name.)
New Month Appears To Lead The Pack For Divorce
For a while, January topped the list of months for the highest divorce rates, accordin to some websites/ research. the logic had to do with the Holidays. Couples finding themselves much more in debt than they could handle. So financial stressors reach a new height. Others believe that Holiday stress, in general, is the cause. Still others blame the depression that some folks experience after Holiday expectations do not materialize. And, still others blame winter doldrums.
Others state that February is the primary month for marital discord leading to final separations. Perhaps a crescendo, if you will, for these stressors.
Now, FindLaw.com states that divorce-related searches increase in January and seem to reach it's height in March.
So, what good is this information in a site devoted to increasing marital bliss? - Simply this: If you are aware of triggers for divorce, you and your spouse can be on the lookout for them and try to 'head them off at the pass'.
'Nuff said.
Long Distance Marriages - A Surge in Couples Living Apart
(Are You One Of Them?)
Have you ever daydreamed about it? You know! 'Having the best of both worlds'.
You have the company of someone special. A man or woman who loves you. Who desires you emotionally, physically, and sexually. - And then, when you want to be alone, you can be. In fact, this latter condition is the norm, not the exception for you, both.
According to U.S. Census Bureau data, slightly over 3% of U.S. married couples live apart. That equates to several million couples per year! A substantial number, when you think about it. And, it is one that is growing!
Who makes up this number of commuter marriages and why?
Well, they tend to be those of all ages. Perhaps more of them have higher levels of education, but that is debateable.
Many are believed to do this for economic reasons. Especially with the current job market, 1 spouse might find a greater paying job in a different city than than their partner works. Some do it because the new destination appears to be the only place that they can find decent employment or higher odds for moving up the career ladder.
For others, especially those who are probably in their 30's or older, and whose spouse comes from another city or state... Neither wishes to forfeit being near family, friends, and a lifestyle that their environment offers them. Then there is the issue of being 'set in their ways'. So that by only sharing a residence for several days per week or month, compromise becomes easier.
Some people believe that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. While that might be true for some couples for a limited time, I doubt that it applies to many.
Then, one needs to consider the expense in maintaining 2 homes and commuting and telephone bills. Yes, technology can make much of the expenses less than decades before. But, think about it. Does anything truly replace person-to-person contact.
Then, there is the increased possibility for an affair. With more time alone, the number of opportunities and likelihood of 'wandering eyes' increases.
Out of fairness, I understand that the divorce rate for these couples are comparable to those of traditional marriages.
I must also wonder whether or not for some of these couples, a 'commuter marriage' offers them a safe way to dip their toe into a meaningful relationship... To be able to exclaim that they are capable of maintaining a meaningful relationship... All the while never fully enjoying the ocean, whether it's beauty and calm or it's high waves. All a part of a full, complete relationship.
I expect that some of you, at this moment, are quite angry with me.
Well, you might have good cause for that. But, I will still maintain that for many of you, this is not the best situation that you could have. And, that you or your spouse deserve.
Please write and let me know your experience with a long distance/ commuting marriage. Your real names will not be used in the planned (and hoped for) follow-up article, when referring to you and your wife or husband. -- Email us at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Who's the New 3rd Partner Disrupting Marriages? -
You Might Be Surprised
Smartphones. Their apps. And, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn...
All of these have been coming between otherwise happily married couples, according to various marriage counselors, lawyers, and other experts.
Disrupting normal interactions, including, believe it or not, some folks' most intimate moments.
But, fear not! For there are now a number of smartphone apps designed to help marriages, as Time Magazine recently pointed out. They include Fix A Fight and Mind Over Marriage.
I wonder whether or not these apps and Facebook have replaced The Tonight Show as the 'bedtime reason for not having sex'? What do you think? Let us know? Click here.
INTRIGUING MARRIAGE & DIVORCE RATES IN THE U.S.
According to a 12/09 U.S. Census document...
The average number of years that 1st marriages last before a divorce is 8 years.
The median time in years between divorce and a 2nd marriage is 3 1/2/ years.
In 2008, 19% of married people had been married twice. 5% had been married 3 or more times.
Who says that men are simply superficial when it comes to choosing a mate?
Research seems to validate the concept that while men tend to pay attention to a 'super' body, at first, it is an attractive face that will probably win out, in 'the end'. (Publisher's note: On the 1st date with my wife of over 25 years, I remember looking at her across the restaurant table and saying to myself that 'this was a face that I could look at across a breakfast table, for the rest of my life'. - Less than a year later, we were married.)
Well, according to Wisc-Online.com, in a piece, 'Who Votes In America', by Barbara Laedtke, it is married individuals. And, for a multitude of reasons. Including their age, having already voted, being registered to vote and...
We ask everyone who can legally vote to exercise that right.
Sleeping in Separate Beds
According to a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology General, women see men as more appealing when dressed in red. Not necessarily because they found the men sexier. They felt that the men were more powerful and apt to be wealthy. Men, on the other hand, thought of women as sexier in red.
According to a Cornell University study, men who either earn significantly more than their wife, or who earn significantly less than their spouse, are upwards of 5 times more likely to cheat.
And, women who earn much less than their partner are the least likely to cheat.
However, earnings are simply one factor behind cheating. - And the belief here is that a marriage which follows much of what is in IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - DON'T OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS is not likely to experience infidelity. (Unless of course one or both spouses are narcissists or sociopaths/ pychopaths.)
Success In The Bedroom Can Make A Difference
Some of you will understand the following, automatically. Others of you will wish to deny the validity of what follows. Regardless of which camp you belong to, what comes next is accurate in many-to-most instances.
Feeling that you are desired sexually by your spouse... Believing that your spouse will attempt to bring you to a satisfying orgasm... Knowing that your husband/ wife can be trusted to avoid actions which you find repulsive... Acting upon sexual overtures in appropriate places and at appropriate times...
Couples who have satisfying sex lives tend to have better communication skills, affection for one another, mutual respect, and a sense of well-being.
Those who deny their partner, themselves, the importance of the sexual aspects of a marriage... Will fare worse in a number of ways.
Think about this. Seriously. For your marriage's sake. For the sake of each of you.
On the Joy Behar Show, they discussed a study that said women would rather give up sex than gain 10 pounds. They also said that they would rather earn more money than have sex.
If true, it would appear that their own self-image and pride is more important to them than having an intimate connection with their spouse. And, if true, this does not bode well for happy marriages.
Where do you fit in this 'discussion'? Let us know. Click here.
Not since the time when the government first collected marriage data, has the rate of married young adults is at it's lowest.The number is 52%.
There are some practical reasons for this. First, more people are living together. Then, of course, there is the economy. People are concerned about taking on the responsibilities and expectations that come with a marriage, during these tough times for jobs, finances in general, and the mortgage crisis.
Author and former mistress, Holly Hill, has written an unusual book.
It's premise is that men are not monogamous by nature. And, that it is better for a wife to negotiate the groundrules for having an affair, than to be surprised and angry, afterward. That it actually give sthe wife more power in the relationship.
What do you think? Let us know? Write us at admin@DontOverlookTheObvious.com .
DNA Dictating Marital Satisfaction?
Researchers from UC Berkeley and Northwestern University believe that they have found a clue as to why some spouses' sense of martital bliss is more affected by relationship ups and downs, than others'. (You can find more on their research in the journal, Emotion.
A gene variant known as 5-HTTLPR appears to be a player in this. It impacts a person's serotonin level. The impact was greater among those usbands and wives who were in their later years.
The research was based upon dozens of couples who had been tracked over decades.
Bear in mind that this is only one potential factor impacting marital satisfaction. It is by no means the only one. So don't go blaming your or your spouse's 'marital mood' solely or even largely on their genes. - 'Nuff said.
A Pew Reserach Center/ Time Magazine survey claims that marriage is on the decline. Especially among those in their 20's. And, those of low economic status. (They noted that many low income folks still desire marriage but look for someone who can help to provide financial stability.)
On the positive note, those who are college educated and more well off financially tend to still want to marry and do so.
Do We Truly Understand Our Spouses Better Than We Do Strangers?
So many times, those of us who have been married for a lengthy time find ourselves completing the others' sentences. But do we truly understand what the other means when it comes to ambiguous or 'cloaked' comments?
To find out, Kenneth Savitsky, professor of psychology at Williams College in Williamstown, MA, and others, ran experiments. They tested peoples' ability to understand what someone meant when the phrase or question could have multiple meanings. As in, "It's getting hot in here." Did the woman refer to the room's temperature or her sexual desire?
Anyway, the researchers discovered that married people tend to overstate their ability to understand such messages from their wife/ husband.
Ashley Swanson, a graduate student at MIT and Travis Carter, a graduate of the University of Chicago and a post-doctoral student at Chicago Booth, joined Mr. Savitskt, Nicholas Epley, a behavioral science professor at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, and Boaz Keysar, a professor in psychology at the University of Chicago in an article on this subject matter.
It appears that once again, communication rears it's head as a vital issue to having a happy marriage. And, tells us to not always assume that we know what our partner wants or needs. Check it out! 'Nuff said.
3 Or More Parents?
Surprise! Did you know that Sen. Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, has proposed tha California join Maine and Pennsylvania, among other states, which allow for more than 2 legal parents of a child?
Now, before you either laugh, thinking that I am joking... Or, cringe at what you perceive to be 1 more sign of a creepiness and lack of morality in our society... Allow me to offer an explanation and an argument in support of the concept.
Let' say that you fathered a child, outside of marriage. The mother marries someone else. You might not object to the child being adopted by the new dad, but might still wish to have a legal right to visitation. Perhaps there is a lesbian couple whose sperm donor wishes to be a part of the child's life. And, there are other reasons for wishing this arrangement.
Folks would still need to meet legal definitions to be considered a parent, from what I can tell.
While some of you might find the concept disgusting and immoral, please try to think of the above and other conditions that would make sense. Come on! -- And, if you still disagree with this, that's okay. You certainly have the right to your opinion.
Nuff said!
Love, Marriage, and Money
Breaking With Tradition:
A Powerful Message For Parents
of Pre-Teens & Teens &...
Far too seldom do I discuss issues impacting your children, yet they are a vital part of your life, and of your married life. (But, you knew that already.)
I ask you to watch this video. Let it sink in. Then, in coming days, I will do a follow-up of sorts in the Thoughts Plus section, here.
Meanwhile, I also invite you to watch 2 videos & read a piece that appears currently in the 1st Articles page at www.TeensImproveYourLife.com .
A Beautiful Example Of How Love & Marriage
Can Last A Lifetime
Unhappy in Marriage – Being unhappy in marriage can result from depression
Unhappy in marriage? It could be that you're unhappy in marriage because you’re clinically depressed. And as anyone who has dealt with serious depression knows, it can wreak havoc on you as an individual, as well as significantly impact your spouse and your marriage. That’s why it’s absolutely crucial, when you’re unhappy in your marriage, that you
take responsibility for your own individual emotional health. Many times, couples who are unhappy in marriage think something’s wrong with their relationship, when often it’s an individual problem that has repercussions in the marriage. The fact is that if one partner is emotionally unhealthy or unhappy, it’s going to be hard for the marriage as a whole to be healthy and happy.
So if you’re unhappy in marriage and a primary reason is that you’re dealing with depression, we urge you to see a professional who can help you. There’s a good chance that with therapy and possibly medication, you can begin to deal effectively with your unhappiness.
It’s also important that you get clear on the facts about depression, and how it can make you unhappy in marriage. The more knowledge you can attain regarding what you’re going through, the quicker you can move toward recovery. A good place to start when you’re feeling unhappy in marriage is the major categories of depression:
Endogenous Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may result from endogenous depression, which comes from a biochemical disturbance in the hormonal system, the nervous system, or even from an infection in the body. It seems to arise spontaneously, is usually found in the elderly or in psychotic disorders, and requires medical intervention.
Reactive Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may also result from reactive (or exogenous) depression, which occurs as a result of a real, imagined, or threatened loss and usually lasts no longer than a few months. This is the typical depression found in adolescents, and for them, counseling is the usual treatment.
Neurotic Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may also result from neurotic depression, which is a lifestyle response to stress and anxiety. It is used to escape from other emotions and develops over a long period of time.
Masked Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Finally, being unhappy in marriage may result from masked depression. Here the depression is hidden by other symptoms. For example
, a teenager who has lost a parent may cover his or her depression by acting out sexually or abusing drugs.
Being acquainted with these different types of depression lets you begin to shine the light of awareness on any unhappiness in marriage that you and your spouse are dealing with.
Article Tags: Being Unhappy, Result From, Depression, Which
Source: Free Articles from ArticlesFactory.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
eHarmony Marriage is a new, online alternative to marriage counseling. It's a private, personalized program that is designed to help you enjoy a stronger, happier and healthier relationship. We use your answers to our marriage questionnaire to focus on your areas of greatest need. http://marriage.eharmony.com
Childless Vacations
Married To A Tightwad?
While I do not agree with everything suggested in this video, it certainly can be a lead-in for discussion between you and your spouse.
Marriage Infidelity - Real & Needing Attention
This is a real problem for many couples. - That said, we present this video for 1 point of view on the topic. We do not necessarily agree with the points contained within. So, judge for yourself! And, let us know what you think. Any posted comments will not contain your full name.
About the Author
Ready to stop the pain and save your marriage using marriage help groups? Then you need to go to http://www.SaveYourMarriageQuick.com to get your free course on how to save your marriage today!
(ArticlesBase SC #649795)
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ - Are You Ready For Marriage Help Groups?
Dealing With 'Empty Nest Syndrome'
It's that time of year, again! When many children go on to live away at college or otherwise begin life on their own... Leaving their parents to struggle with and adapt to what has become known as 'Empty Nest Syndrome'.
Well, the below video offers some outstanding ideas & tips for adjusting to your new life. Check it out!
Online Gaming and Marital Satisfaction
Many women, and to a lesser degree, men, live with a spouse who (if not addicted to) spends a lot of time playing video games. Especially the role-playing games, online.
For ages (or so it seems) the common thought was that the total number of hours spent playing these games were the cause of much marital disharmony. However, a study, by Brigham Young University folks and published in the 'Journal of Leisure Research', this past February (2012), points to additional issues with chronic gaming.
It seems that the amount of time, literally, that is spent might matter less than the non-game playing spouse's perception of how other marital activities are impacted. Do the couples eat out less often, spend less time relaxing together, work less on household projects...
Also, problems arise when the normal bedtime routine is disrupted. (Both restful sleep and sexual intimacy?)
Granted that I have yet to read the entire study. But, I might propose some 'groundrules' for those of you who are/ live with online game players.
#1 Limit the amount of time spent doing this activity to no more than the time that you spend working together or relaxing with your spouse.
#2 Go to bed when your partner does.
#3 While it should be fine to share some of your gameplaying experiences with your wife or husband, ensure that you spend time listening to your spouse, regarding their special interests.
#4 Consider inviting them to join the online game.
#5 Remember that it is only a game. And that the friendships there are no more real than most people's Facebook Friends are. That your husband or wife, on the other hand, are very real. And, can give you emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual stimulation and enjoyment which no one else can!
'Nuff said.
(Note: If you would like to anonymously share your experiences/ thoughts on this topic, then please email us at: Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com - (Your real name will not be published here, if we decide to share your comments.)
'Why People Have Affairs'
This is what the speaker has dubbed this piece.
Personally, I believe that it should be renamed 'Character'.
Empty Nesters
Many folks face a huge problem when their children grow up and move out. Whether to college, their independent single life, or for a family of their own.
A huge reason for this is that 1 or both spouses stopped being friends and lovers, along the way. they allowed children, work, and other commitments to consume their days and nights. And they became roommates or business partners (instead of romantic ones).
Following is a news segment. We offer it for informational puposes, even though it also focuses on ways to 'successfully' split up, rather than how to bring the marriage back together.
Care to share your experiences with 'an empty nest'? We would not publish your name with your comments. - Email us, by clicking here! - Thanks, in advance.
The Times, They Are Changing
The time was (back in the '60s) when approx. 10% of couples lived together before their wedding. And, their divorce rate was higher than those who had not done so.
Now, the number who cohabitate before marriage is close to 60%. And, their divorce rate is close to that of those who did not live together beforehand.
POST OF THE DAY Married or not you should read this...
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I
avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced
at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found
her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.
Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about
my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters
with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning.
She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part
of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.
I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably
because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll
carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son —- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your
lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how
close they were to success when they gave up.
SHARE IT PLEASE ALL LIKE THIS PAGE By: 999,999,999 People
If your parents were divorced, the odds of you getting divorced are 41% higher than if they had an intact marriage. (Source: Nicholas Wolfinger, Understanding the Divorce Cycle, Cambridge University Press, 2005 A consumption increase of 1 liter of alcohol per capita brings about an increase in the divorce rate of about 20% (Source: Journal
of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs)
It Bears Repeating...
I know! You know! We all know the following advice, because professionals and friends have been saying it fo ryears.
But, the question is: How many of us actually follow the advice? I dare say, not all that many couples.
Many San Antonio, TX churches will begin offering date night events for married couples. Why? Because research points to the many benefits to be had by having them.
They do not need to be fancy or expensive. (Although if you can afford to do some of these, your spouse will probably be quite appreciative.)
But, they can be as simple as clipping coupons together while enjoying Chinese take-out. Catching a movie in an actual theater (as opposed to your big screen TV). Dancing or clubbing. Visiting friends or having them come over to your humble abode. Cooking a meal together while any children of yours are off at a friend's home or at the grandparents'.
Check out The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia website, http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/ .
They have published a report, 'The Date Night Opportunity', which is gaining widespread media coverage.
Let us know how you and your wife or husband spend your own date nights. Your names will not be published with your comments, if chosen for a planned follow-up segment. Send your commenst to: Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com
Marriage & Cancer Health News
Okay. We've heard various reports of the benefits of being married for our health. Well, here's still another, and very dramatic study regarding cancer and marital status.
Dr Astri Syse, of the Cancer Registry of Norway, and Håkon Kravdal, of the University of Oslo, examined 37 years of cancer survival information, in light of the patient's marital status. Never married men and to a lesser extent, never married women had a substantially lower rate of survival.
Shopping Addiction - It Is Real
As so many of us spend much time and money at this time of year, it is important to realize that some of us suffer from a true shopping addiction. - If this strikes a chord with you or your spouse, please seek help. Your marriage might depend upon it.
Military Wives
Regardless of what you or I think of the military conflicts which the U.S. and other countries have been involved with, I would hope that there is a sense of respect for the soldiers and their spouses, on a personal level. I was greatly moved by this piece. If you are, also, I would ask you to share it with others. - Again, no politial statement is implied or made. Simply an admiration for what these couples go through.
The Impact Of Government Assistance & Low Income On Couples
University of Missouri research indicates that married couples who receive public assitance are less satisfied in their marriage than those who do not.
David Schramm, assistant professor in Human Development and Family Studies in the College of Human Environmental Sciences found that those collecting government assistance, if even simply food stamps, face economic pressures that impact the mariage. - Similar results were found with married couples who earn less than $20,000 per year.
For some advice on how to cope with the Recession, unemployment, or other economic stresses, check out the piece, Surviving The Recession & Joblessness, in the THOUGHTS PLUS... section.
Managing A Household
Ask most couples what one of the largest sourcest of family frustration is and they are apt to say, 'managing time'. Or, 'handling money'. 'Keeping people responsible for chores around the home'. Or...
Well, I stumbled upon a rather dated film from decades past. And while we will either laugh, reminisce, or... There are truly great points for us to apply to our lives today.
So, look past any sexism or old-fashioned ideas presented and pay attention, instead, to the points being conveyed.
'Nuff said.
Getting Support For Your Physical Fitness Goals
Please note that the following is offered for your consideration and evaluation, only.
Trends of Marriage, Divorce and Having Children
Author: amnorge
The make-up of families has changed significantly over recent decades across the UK (and much of the world). This article looks at some of the trends and average statistics regarding marriage, divorce and parenthood.
Not all of the below comparisons are between the same periods as statistics for the areas looked at are not always found as part of the same survey’s
Age of Marriage and Divorce
The average age of marriage rose by four years for men and five years for women between 1960 and 2000. The average age of their first marriage was 30 for men and 28 for women in 2000, up from 26 and 23 respectively forty-years previous. The trend has not been the same throughout this period though. The average age for both genders actually fell in the 1970’s and 1980’s but has risen since. In 2000 the average age of a second marriage after a previous divorce was 45 for men and 42 for women, with the average for
those marrying for a second time after being widowed 61 and 55 respectively. The older couples are when they marry the higher the age difference between them tends to be.
Average Length of a Marriage
The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce was between 11 and 12 years in 2004. In 1971 this was between 23 and 25 years so it has roughly halved over this period. Curiously the average length that a marriage lasts is currently around the same as in the Middle Ages. The difference is that while now many marriages (and most among people under 50 years of age) end due to divorce, in the Middle Ages one spouse would normally die within a decade or two of marriage.
Number of People Getting Married
The number of people getting married (whether in a relationship or not) is falling dramatically. It has fallen by a quarter over the last 15 years. Around 15% of couples who live together are not married.
Having Children
In line with the age of marriage the age of becoming a parent for the first time is also rising. Between 1971 and 2003 the average age for first time Mother’s increased from 25 to 27, while the average age for first time Father’s increased from 29 to 33. 40% of children are currently born to parents who are not married and just over half of divorced couples are couples who have children.
The general trend is for people to be older when marrying, divorcing, remarrying and having children that they used to be.
Andrew Marshall (c)
Article Source: http://www.articlealley.com/http://www.articlealley.com/trends-of-marriage-divorce-and-having-children-2008842.html
About the Author:
Gambling addiction is an all too prevalent issue in marriages. Both women and men can be addicts. There is Gamblers' Anonymous. And other methods for addressing the problem. What follows is one method 'to getting the ball rolling'. Note that we do not necessarily endorse the contents of this video, but do believe that for some of you, it might prove helpful. Remember: Take responsibility for your decisions and actions.
I know that advice is not a 'One-Size-Fits-All' situation,
so here is another viewpoint for you to consider.
According to recent conclusions from a decade-long study by the Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente Hospital, 60% of American adults were affected in some way by adverse childhood experiences. ACE's were defined as dysfunctional behaviors displayed by parents, such as emotional and physical abuse or neglect. ACE's leave an imprint on children and impact their ability to cope effectively in adulthood.
Negative childhood experiences leave scars in need of healing. Some adults are capable of processing their past more adaptively than others. Often, adults will cling to childhood scripts that no longer are necessary or helpful. Some of these basic childhood assumptions that get activated are:
I must perform admirably at all times.
I am responsible for all the bad things that happened to me and I should be blamed for them.
I must avoid conflict at all costs because it is risky.
Other people's opinions and beliefs are more important and convincing than my own.
Adults from troubled childhoods need to learn how to process the perils of their past as opposed to denying one's story or ruminating about it. This search to heal from the vestiges of worn out thinking and behavior takes courage and persistence. Here are 10 strategies to assist adults in leaving behind the negative interpretations of childhood:
Give up the magical illusion that somehow your parents will morph and become the loving, caring adults you have always yearned for.
Write a letter to the abusive parent. Share your deepest feelings about what you experienced as a child. Don't hold back. Do not deliver the letter. This exercise is designed to therapeutically assist you in releasing pain from the past.
Consider your earliest childhood recollection. Where were you located? Who was with you? What were you wearing? How did you feel? What beliefs about your life are captured in your story.
Listen to your inner critic. This is the voice (derived from a parent) that speaks in harsh tones and provides disparaging messages. Let it speak and learn to understand the nature of its noise. Learn to detach from its contents.
Rationally respond to the inner critic. If it says, "How could you do such a stupid thing," respond by exclaiming, "We all make mistakes. This experience doesn't define who I am. I will do better next time."
Learn to make realistic appraisals about who you are and what you do. Leave behind, the tyranny of the, I should have, I ought to, I must not, and so on. Think in terms of preferences rather than absolutes. For example, "It would be nice if my business partner thanked me for a job well done, but is not essential." Another realistic, thoughtful appraisal might be, "What role did I play in this problem, if any?" Get out of self-blame because it is not helpful in solving problems and only serves to victimize you.
Learn to set more realistic boundaries. Quit giving your power away to other people. Start asserting yourself, telling others what you need and want. If you confront potential conflict, people will respect you, not abandon you.
Your troubled childhood was not your fault. Let go of the need to blame yourself for a problem you didn't create. It never was about you!
Find supportive friends that you trust that can help you role-model more intimate, connected behavior. Understand that your past doesn't need to have power over you in the present. Remember, your friends are not your parents. You can learn to selectively disclose information to others, letting yourself be more emotionally transparent.
Forgiveness is a process, not an act. Hopefully, at some point, you will be able to forgive your parents for being less than perfect and causing you harm.
Overcoming a troubled past and learning to live a triumphant life takes time and patience. Seek counseling support if you feel stuck in trying to handle your thoughts, feelings and relationship issues. There is hope and healing for those who courageously seek to transcend the difficulties of a troubled childhood.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/triumph-over-troubled-childhoods-10-strategies-to-help-adults-4944320.html
About the Author
Your Marital Tension Certainly
Impacts Even Infants/ Toddlers
We have all heard that parental stress can negatively impact children. Well, a study of 350 adoptive parents with a child 9 months old, found that by 18 months of age, those who lived with marital instability had difficulty sleeping.
So what is the point of the study, published in the journal, Child Development? - Simply this: If our marital strife can impact children this young, imagine the impact on older children! Once we become parents we have a 'forever' responsibility. Don't tak eit lightly. Or, believe that what troubles we have with our spouse is of no concern to our children.
Tips For Blended Families
(Otherwise Known As 'Step-Families')
Whichever name you prefer for it, the merging of 2 families can be difficult to say the least. Some issue should have been dealt with prior to the actual marriage. However, you are where you are. While not an instant game-changer, it might prove valuable in your current situation. - That said...
Yes, It Can Be Done!
Admit it! Many of you simply don't believe in your heart of hearts that couples can stay married more than perhaps 10 or 15 years. If they make it to their 25th anniversary, then it's akin to a miracle.
Well, in Cincinnati, this past weekend, 150 couples celebrated 50 years of marriage at a special mass held in St. Peter in Chains Cathedral.
So, the next time that you think about calling it quits, stop. Catch your breath. Pick up a copy of Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious. And, get back to helping your marriage be a better one!
Great News! Marriages Are Lasting Longer!
Fantastic news, folks!
A recent study claims that since 1990, 75% of marriages have made it to the 10 year mark or longer.
That's approx. 3% points higher than in the early 1980's.
Whether or not it is due to people waiting until they are older and more settled in life, as well as wiser, who knows? But the news is positive, nonetheless.
Hopefully, you will be part of that group remaining married.
And, if you are, why not help your marriage to be better than it is? For the price of a pizza and drinks at some restaurants, you could own, the media-acclaimed book, IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - DON'T OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS!
Weight Gain's Impact On A Marriage
Weight gain, especially of only 1 spouse, is probably the 2nd most 'taboo' topic among wives and husbands (sex being the first). In the following video you will get one person's take on the matter. To get my take on part of this issue, simply click here.
Here's Another Viewpoint Regarding Step-Families
Step-Families are not only prevalent in our society, but is a large
reason for many divorces. While I believe in some of what is
presented here, I do disagree with much of what is advised.
That said, I know that advice is not a 'One-Size-Fits-All' situation,
so here is another viewpoint for you to consider.
SpatSolver! & The Apologizer
This tongue-in-cheek video is priceless
on both a serious and a humorous level!
Let us know how the book has helped your marriage or that of a friend or relative.
Email us by clicking here.
With Purim, Good Friday, Passover, and Easter
Around The Corner, I Believed That It Was Appropriate
To Offer At Least 1 View Regarding
An Interfaith Marriage
(And, you will discover more advice in the book, Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious - Buy it now!)
Note that we neither endorse nor otherwise judge the advice,
star, or business of the following video.
Wyoming Bill Seeks To Require
Counseling Before Marriage and Divorce?
Wyoming has been among the states with the highest level of divorce for some years. Now, a state legislator wants to pass a bill designed to stem that tide. He seeks a requirement for 3 hours of pre-marital counseling before one can wed. Also, 3 hours of counseling before one can divorce. The citizens involved would have to pay for this. And if they refuse they woul dhave to wait perhaps a year before they can marry or
divorce. (There would be provisions made for abuse victims to be allowed to divorce without this requirement.) Rep. Ed Buchanan, R-Torrington, the sponsor hopes that the bill will pass in some form and open a dialog to address the problem.
We applaud the general idea of this bill, but see many problems with it. Among them, what to do for those who cannot affortd the counseling? Will any counselor be acceptable, or only specific ones? And, if only a select number, what would be the criteria? What if a couple wants to marry quickly so that a 'soon-to-be-delivered' child would not be born out of wedlock? What of someone wishing to marry before going into the armed services? What of someone wishing to divorce in order to stop financial infidelity from
further impacting their credit? Or in order to move out of state and not need to travel back and forth for future proceedings? Or... ?
What do you think? Let us know! Click here.
Should You Stay in a Loveless Marriage?
Insights That Might Help
Author: Leslie Cane
I often have people who contact me and tell me that they're struggling to decide if they want to stay in their "loveless marriage." I've found that "loveless" can mean all sorts of things. It can mean that the couple are no longer having sex. It can mean that the passion and affection is gone. Or, it could mean that the spouses no longer have any common ground.
Whatever someone means when they say "loveless marriage," I hear from a lot of couples who think that they are living in one and they aren't all that fulfilled within it. Many of them are struggling to make the decision as to whether they'd be better off staying within the security and familiarity of the marriage or walking away and perhaps struggling, but at least being authentic.
There's not one right or wrong answer here. But in today's economy, many people are choosing to stick it out. That's especially true if there are children. However, from the correspondence I get, it's pretty clear to me that people who see their marriage as "loveless" often feel that they have very few options to change it. I think there may be some faults with this logic. Nonetheless, in the following article, I'll discuss some things to consider when deciding whether to stay in a marriage that has
turned "loveless."
Are You Being Physically Or Mentally Hurt Or Injured?: I have to admit that, for the most part, my inclination is going to be to try to save marriages. My own marriage went from being a disaster to being happy and fulling. So, I know that it's possible to change a marriage if it's not working for you. With that said, I draw the line at mental or physical abuse, especially when the culprit has the opportunity to change but either can't or won't. I would never advise someone to stay where they're being hurt. If
you don't want to or can't leave, then at least get help so that you don't have to deal with this for any longer than you have to. Being happy is one thing. Being hurt is another.
What Would Life Be Like If You Stayed In Your Marriage? And, If You Left It?: I think that for most people, the ultimate decision of staying in or leaving a marriage boils down to what your quality of life is going to be like in either situation. Basically, people will ask themselves if they're better off within the marriage or outside of it. And, this can be tough to evaluate because the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence until the actual reality of life outside of the gate becomes a reality.
I can't tell you how many people I hear from who tell me that leaving their marriage did not solve all their problems as they hoped it would. And, I find that some people project issues from other areas of their life onto their marriage. As a result, they'll often leave the marriage with the expectation that it's going to make everything better. However, they don't change the problematic aspects of their life. Instead, they just walk away from the marriage and are then quite confused as to why they're still so
very unhappy.
Before you walk away, it can help to ask yourself what exactly is making you unhappy. It isn't always your marriage. Sure, your marriage may well suffer because of other issues. But often, the marriage is the symptom rather than the cause. It's so important to be able to evaluate this clearly because leaving (or staying in) your marriage are big decisions that often can't be taken back and will affect your day to day life like few other choices will. Sometimes, one way to test the waters so to speak is to try
a short separation. This will allow you to evaluate what life is like outside of the marriage in order to see if you're really projecting or not being realistic.
Is It Possible That You Could Improve The Marriage So That It's No Longer Loveless? What If Your Marriage Could Be Loving Again And You Could Have The Best Of Both Worlds?: When people ask me whether they should stay in their loveless marriage, it's almost as if they're talking about something that died ten years ago which they know they'll never get back again. For whatever reason, people assume that once their marriage has turned stale, there's no going back. I know this to be absolutely untrue. Not only have
I restored the love in my own marriage, but I've seen countless couples also accomplish this.
People often assume that loving feelings are something that either happens or doesn't happen due to a slew of intangibles. I couldn't disagree more. Loving feelings are born out of people's experiences and intentions. It takes maintenance. It takes time. And it takes attention. People often tell me they've "fallen out of love" when what really has happened is that the circumstances or the maintenance in their marriage has changed. Perhaps they're under a great deal of stress. Maybe the kids have changed
how much time and effort they are giving their marriage. Or perhaps both spouses have become preoccupied with other things.
None of these external issues are really about the loving feelings between the spouse's. But, they can certainly squash and thwart those feelings if you don't make a very distinct effort to change your path. I firmly believe that changing your priorities, perceptions, and actions can eventually bring those loving feelings back so that you don't have to choose between your marriage and your own happiness. I often tell people (and I firmly believe) that if you change the behaviors and perceptions, the feelings
will almost always follow so that you could most definitely find yourself back in a loving marriage with just a little effort.
Is it always easy? No. Will it force you out of your comfort zone and require some changes? Yes, it will. But it can most certainly be worth it. You deserve to be happy and to life your best life. No one is denying that. But sometimes you can have both happiness and your marriage. It's not always an either / or choice.
It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was "loveless," so he threatened to end it. I knew that it wasn't over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/should-you-stay-in-a-loveless-marriage-insights-that-might-help-2873697.html
About the AuthorLeslie Cane's blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com. She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.
It's a positive step to seek tips on parenting step children. It implies you care and cherish the relationship you can create with them to eventually be respected and loved by them. You should not be sure to be listened to at the beginning or to be authorized to discipline them. You'll
have to proceed step by step.
To sum up the progression of your relationship with your step children, you will start a little bit as a baby sitter, later will be perceived in some manner like an uncle or aunt and in the long run as a real relative, a very close member of the family. Do not forget you want to be their friend. Their mother and father are here for the discipline part, you are not. And yes, that is an advantage!
Parenting step children requires 7 steps:
1- Be straightforward in introducing who you are and what you want to become for them. Make sure that they are aware you do not want to steal the role of their mum or father. You must stay out of the discipline issue from the beginning. Tell them you will not give punishments but will simply apply what has been set with their mother and father by reporting wrong behaviors to them considering that they decide of the consequences.
It is an agreement you have. You just want to know your step children more and to be friends if it seems ok for them. Discuss openly to help them talk about what they are thinking. You are an "intruder" for them, it's completely natural.
2- Express some interest in your step children's lives. They probably will find this odd and might not participate a lot but keep being interested in what they do, it will eventually be worth it. Always try to know what is going on in their lives,
try to remember what they talk about, the name of their friends, important dates... It will eventually surprise them. Parenting step children is really about being there.
3- Be a team with your loved one. Speak with one voice or the step children may try to turn one against the other and benefit from your disagreements. If your partner legitimates your role in the family, it will be easier for you.
4- Be consistent in your effort to create a good relationship with your
step children. It takes persistence of course but don't lose hope. If you are consistent in your behaviour, your step children will more likely know they can rely on you. Just be there for them and respect the time they might need to get closer to you.
5- Spend time alone with them, do things they like. On your way back home, stop by a coffee shop to drink or eat something and talk a little. It will eventually help them to see another part of you and they will remember what you shared and
how amusing and nice it was. Doing one-on-one activities can make parenting step children less difficult and will develop the relationship more quickly.
6- Be truthful with what you think. Tell them it is hard for you but that you truly would like to be friends with them. Ask them what they feel. By communicating freely, they will be far more willing to reveal their feelings toward you. Naturally it might hurt a little bit, but since they'll be surprised you aren't their enemy and understand
them, they will feel compassion for you too!
7- Be funny! It'll help the family look at things in perspective and will relieve some tensions. Humor will surely help you get closer to your step children.
It would be wrong to claim that parenting step children is extremely easy but with these 7 steps, I am confident you can create your own place in their hearts and become a full member of their family. You are going to be respected and loved. Be there for them, be consistent,
entertaining and compassionate.
A final word for the step moms and dads of difficult children. You might be interested in the website I created with some parents where you can read reviews of a selection of parenting programs we tested. They can really help parenting step children that are really difficult to deal and communicate with. By the way, one of the authors of these methods is a step dad! The link is my bio if you're interested. Complicated situations need to be acted
upon, otherwise they just deteriorate or at least do not create anything.
About the Author Laura Kaine is the mother of June (10) and Jack (4). She personally helped many parents and shares her knowledge online as an expert parenting writer. After putting an end to her daughter's defiant behavior thanks to a parenting program, she convinced other parents to gather their experiences and review together different parenting methods that worked for them. The website they created together is www.YourParentingHelp.com.
(ArticlesBase SC #1826795) Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ - How To Be Good At Parenting Step Children ? 7 Steps !
Unhappy in marriage? It could be that you're unhappy in marriage because
you’re clinically depressed. And as anyone who has dealt with
serious depression knows, it can wreak havoc on you as an individual, as well as
significantly impact your spouse and your marriage. That’s why it’s absolutely
crucial, when you’re unhappy in your marriage, that you take responsibility for
your own individual emotional health. Many times, couples who are unhappy in
marriage think something’s wrong with their relationship, when often it’s an
individual problem that has repercussions in the marriage. The fact is that if
one partner is emotionally unhealthy or unhappy, it’s going to be hard for the
marriage as a whole to be healthy and happy.
So if you’re unhappy in marriage and a primary reason is that you’re dealing
with depression, we urge you to see a professional who can help you. There’s a
good chance that with therapy and possibly medication, you can begin to deal
effectively with your unhappiness.
It’s also important that you get clear on the facts about depression, and how
it can make you unhappy in marriage. The more knowledge you can attain regarding
what you’re going through, the quicker you can move toward recovery. A good
place to start when you’re feeling unhappy in marriage is the major categories
of depression:
Endogenous Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may result from endogenous depression, which comes from a biochemical
disturbance in the hormonal system, the nervous system, or even from an
infection in the body. It seems to arise spontaneously, is usually found in the
elderly or in psychotic disorders, and requires medical intervention.
Reactive Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may also result from reactive (or exogenous)
depression, which occurs as a result of a real, imagined, or threatened loss and
usually lasts no longer than a few months. This is the typical depression found
in adolescents, and for them, counseling is the usual treatment.
Neurotic
Depression and unhappiness in marriage
Being unhappy in marriage may also result from neurotic depression, which is
a lifestyle response to stress and anxiety. It is used to escape from other
emotions and develops over a long period of time.
Masked Depression and
unhappiness in marriage
Finally, being unhappy in marriage may result from masked depression. Here
the depression is hidden by other symptoms. For example, a
teenager who has lost a parent may cover his or her depression by acting out
sexually or abusing drugs.
Being acquainted with these different types of depression lets you begin to shine the light of awareness on any unhappiness in marriage that you and your spouse are dealing with.
Article Tags: Being Unhappy,
Result From, Depression,
Which
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR eHarmony Marriage is a new, online alternative to marriage
counseling. It's a private, personalized program that is designed to help you
enjoy a stronger, happier and healthier relationship. We use your answers to our
marriage questionnaire to focus on your areas of greatest need. http://marriage.eharmony.com
Family & Marriage Finances 101:
The 14 Essentials Everyone Must Know
Author: Matthew Toone
There are two words that are very closely synonymous with the two words ‘family happiness’ – those two words are ‘family finances’! Notice I did not say ‘family wealth’ – happiness in a home, marriage, and family is most often directly correlated with the ability of the parents to properly manage (not necessarily accumulate) and budget their finances. It is unfortunately true that over 80% of all divorces result, in some way or another, because of finances. More tragic than the divorce is the fact that families are torn apart, children suffer, and society is feeling the negative ramifications of this all too common reality. At the outset, it is absolutely important to note that the 14 essential principles described below are not designed to teach people how to accumulate wealth through the application of the principles described. The sole objective in revealing and explaining these principles if for one purpose – to help marriages and people everywhere experience the family happiness that results from the application of simple financial principles. Will applying these principles require effort and a change? Certainly! But does not everything good and worth while in life also require change and consistent effort? Fortunately, with a little education, self-discipline, and effort, we truly can ensure that our ‘family finances’ result in ‘family happiness.’ May I suggest 14 ways on how to accomplish this: 1) Establish a budget and live within your means: First, do you even have a budget? If so, do you actually live by it? Do you actually record every expenditure, so that at the end of the month (when you sit down and go over finances … right) you know where every penny has gone? At the end of the month as you look over the finances, did you purchase something you did not need? Stick to the budget and live within your means! 2) Never accumulate consumer debt: Do you know the difference between Good Debt vs. Consumer Debt? Good debt is when you have to borrow money for some type of an investment: a house, your education, or to start a business, etc. Consumer debt is simply purchasing anything on credit outside of these three areas. If you don’t have the money to buy it – don’t buy it! 3) Credit cards are NOT bad: Now, above on point 2 I mentioned to never purchase anything on credit you don’t need or have money for. That does not mean you can’t purchase your groceries or other expenditures on a credit card (in fact, I encourage you to do that). Using credit cards, properly, is essential to your financial success. What is the proper way to use a credit card? It is simple: never use more than 25% of the credit limit, make your payments on time, and pay off the entire balance at the end of the month. 4) Understand the importance of building and protecting your credit: In my opinion, protecting your credit is just as important as protecting your social security number. Your financial future and success hinges upon that report/score. Do you want lower rates, better jobs, larger loans, better pay, etc.? Than you better protect your credit. I tell people all the time that investing in Identity Theft Protection is just as important as any Life Insurance program in our day and age. Now, do you know how to build and improve you score/report? It really is simple: never use more than 25% of the credit limit, make your payments on time, and pay off the entire balance at the end of the month (sound familiar)! 5) ‘Wealth’ is not the accumulation of money, it is the proper management of it: Our culture and society certainly has a skewed perception of what true wealth is. If, for example, an individual makes 1 million dollars a year, we assume they are wealthy. Well, if that person spent 1.2 million dollars that same year, that certainly is not wealth is it? In fact, the promotions and pay raises we all seek in our jobs will do little if we increase our spending as our income increases. Robert Kiyosaki refers to this habit as the ‘rat race.’ We need to learn how to properly budget, manage, save, and invest our money – not just spend it. Thus, true ‘Wealth’ is getting out of this ‘rat race,’ it is financial independence, it is passive income, and it is time freedom. Learn now how to manage your money before it manages you! Both men and women would do well to change their perception from ‘how much can my spouse make’ to ‘how well do they manage their finances.’ 6) Self-Discipline and Self-Restraint are essential: Self-discipline in regards to money is far more important than any advanced course in accounting or financial management. Parents would do well to develop this ability, and they would be wise to teach this to their children. However, please don’t mis-understand – ‘self-discipline’ does not translate into self-denial or impoverishment. There is nothing wrong with buying ‘things’ that are fun, entertaining, or that the kids would enjoy. Where the line must be drawn is in the questions ‘can we afford this’ or ‘is this in our budget’ or ‘do we actually need this’ etc. And, ironically, self-discipline in financial matters will translate into self-discipline in other areas and aspects of life. 7) Saving Saves: That’s it – just save! Learn now to discipline yourselves and budget 10% of all earnings. Save for a rainy day, for retirement, for kid’s college funds, vacations, investments, etc. Avoid consumer debt, prepare for disasters or unemployment, and save 10% of all earnings – ALWAYS! 8) The importance of Insurance: Do you have proper and adequate home insurance, life insurance, health insurance, and car insurance? If not, you are potentially setting yourself up for financial disaster. And, in our day and age, do you have Identity Theft Protection? This type of insurance is just as, if not more important. 9) Wants vs. Needs: Wise is the wife, husband, parent, or child who can discipline themselves financially. The ability to sacrifice, go without, save, be patient, and determine wants compared to needs is an absolutely necessary attribute to develop; ironically, this attribute is not only necessary for finance-related issues, but every aspect of our lives! 10) Money is NOT Evil: Unfortunately, the majority of people have engrained into their minds that money is evil. Money is NOT evil; it is the pride people develop from possessing and accumulating money that causes others to perceive money as being ‘evil.’ A wealthy person’s snobbish attitude, condescending comments, assumed superiority, and arrogant actions are what is ‘evil’ – not the money! ‘But the money created the pride,’ some may wrongfully say; no, the choice to become prideful is what created the pride. Money is absolutely necessary for our daily survival; and if we choose, our excess money can also free up our time and create opportunities and resources that help and bless other people’s lives. We need more people who choose to acquire wealth for charitable purposes, and less people who develop the strength to financially suffer because they ignorantly believe ‘money is evil.’ 11) Communication & Involvement is Essential: If you are married, are both of you involved in, informed about, and joint decision makers in the financial affairs of the family? If not, the very question should reveal the necessary changes needing to be made. Are children simply given money, or are they expected to work for and earn it? Grateful will be the child, and wise would be the parent for teaching their child this reality of life in the real world. And perhaps just as important, are children taught the very principles described in this article – saving, compound interest, credit, insurance, wants vs. needs, etc.? The fact that this article even needs to be written should suggest that our educational system fails to teach these important principles, which should suggest that if any parent is dependent upon others to teach their children these necessary financial principles – they will pay for it, literally! 12) Investing in Appreciating Assets, Not Depreciating Liabilities: How often are we personally guilty of ensuring that our car is loaded with the best features, our clothes are updated with the latest fashions, or our sheds and garages are filled with all the fun toys and tools? There is nothing necessarily wrong with having these (see point #13 below); however, how unfortunate it is when excess funds (or what’s worse – funds/debt obtained from credit) goes to obtain more toys, cars, and clothes rather than assets that will appreciate over time. The key to financial independence is not obtained through pay-raises, promotions, 401(k)’s, or even the lottery – it is obtained by applying the principles discussed in this article, and more importantly, buying appreciating assets rather than depreciating liabilities. 13) Be balanced and enjoy life also: Sometimes I read articles of couples who save every penny (literally) so they can retire at age 40. Some are able to do this, and good for them. But, let’s be realistic and also enjoy life as well. Perhaps it is setting aside a few hundred dollars a month, or just $20 – but take your wife on a date, treat your kids to pizza, go out to a movie, etc. Have fun and be balanced! 14) Give and you shall receive: Ironic that this is on the list – but it is not last suggesting it’s least important. In fact, it should be number one on this list! Learn now the great truth that when you give, you will receive. The ‘giving’ will be different for everyone. For some, it may mean giving to a charity, giving to a neighbor, to a church, to a family member, etc. But, give with no expectation or thought of reward or return, and you will receive much more in return, somehow in someway, but it will happen! In conclusion, never forget that this is not about saving, budgeting, or investing properly – this is about happiness in your marriage and family life. A great credit score, a large bank account, an excellent insurance policy, and even a healthy retirement account are comparatively insignificant compared to the marital and family happiness, which can be achieved by applying the principles above.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/family-marriage-finances-101-the-14-essentials-everyone-must-know-1280129.html
About the Author: Matt is the founder of http://www.Tips4Families.com/ – a website full of helpful parenting advice, fun games and activities, traditions and holiday ideas, and tips and articles for families everywhere. Matt is also the author of: “Great Games! 175 Games & Activities for Families, Groups, & Children.” To view the book and learn more, visit: http://www.GreatGamesBook.com/
Divorce: The Step Parent You Hate Needs To Be Friends With Your Child
by Lucille Uttermohlen
After the divorce, where the kids live is still an emotional issue. Parents feel special grief and stress when a new person enters the picture as a significant other to the ex-spouse.Of course, there is often left over hostility from the divorce, but there is also genuine fear of the new person's place in the child's life.Too often, the new lover is well aware that he is a replacement for the ex.Consequently, he is defensive and territorial about his place in his lover's life. He is likely to insert himself in
the lover's interaction with her ex, and add to what is already a tense parenting relationship.When the parents can't deal with each other well, several things can happen.Kids can pit their parents against each other by lying or exaggerating about occurrences in their respective homes. Kids can easily sense any resentment brought on by the new lover, and use it to gain their other parent's sympathy to meet their own ends.When the parents stop communicating with each other, their ability to parent effectively
suffers.The new person may seem more liberal and understanding to the child.After all, she is trying to become friends, and is likely to present herself as less authoritarian then the child's other parent. In turn, the other parent feels left out in the cold, and helpless to control the child's actions and attitudes.Teenagers, who already feel tied down and misunderstood are most vulnerable to any adult attempts to win their favor in this way.Thus, it is important that the parents, and their new friends and lovers
take care to understand the dynamics of their situation, and work together to keep the adults in control.These tips should help.1.All of the adults must demand to be treated with courtesy and respect.Children should understand that bad manners are unacceptable, no matter how they feel towards the adult in question.This is not an invitation to physical violence on the adult's part.However, stern reminders and firm consequences should result when the child is rude, mean or to use the common phrase, "snotty".The
child may not like being forced to be polite, but if the message is consistent, and the rewards for courtesyare greater than those for bad behavior, he will eventually accept the rules and be comfortable abiding by them.2.The adults should also encourage children to treat everyone in both households with respect. You may not like your ex's new honey, and she may wish you'd get hit by a truck.However, using your kids to make this point is just cruel and stupid.If the new partner doesn't like the child, she won't
be made welcome in the home. A child has a right to be a positive part of both parent's lives, and anything done to discourage good feelings between them is wrong.If your son or daughter visits his other parent with the idea that he is being disloyal to you by being kind to the lover of the other, he will be under a lot of stress, and will not be as able to maintain a positivebond with the other parent. His visits will be viewed as necessary but dreadful interludes instead of the joyful, healthy occasions and
times to share that they should be.It may be hard to keep your real feelings about your ex's lover to yourself, but your child should feel that it is all rightto get to know the new person, and be comfortable making friends with him.3. The significant other should not be in charge of the child's discipline.If the child is rude or unkind to the new partner or her family, she has every right to put the child in his place.However, if the issue has to do with the child's schooling, friendships, or failure to meet
his responsibilities either in the home or out of it, his correction is best left to his parent.The parent and the lover should discuss their expectations privately, and the parent should enforce the rules decided upon.The newpartner is not obliged to raise the child, and there won't be nearly as much tension if he is not thrust in the position of having to take a parental role.If the adults keep the situation from being anymore awkward than necessary, children will be better able to adjust when a new lover becomes
part of the family. It may be tempting to enlist a child's help in getting revenge against your ex by encouraging the child to be rude and difficult to your ex's new partner.However, it is the child who will have to live with the fall out, and the results can be traumatic. If the child is encouraged to acquaint himself with your ex's new partner, and even try to becomefriends, his adjustment to the new situation will be healthier, and make his life a lot easier.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen A law practice doesn't always make perfect, but it does provide interesting stories. To see what I mean, join me on my blog: http://www.couple-or-not.com/blog/ And, if you have legal questions, writ to me at thelawlady@couple-or-not.com for a quick thorough response.
Article Source: ArticleSnatch Free Article Directory
Clean Up The Problems In Your Marriage
By: Mark Webb
Does your marriage revolve around your children or grandchildren? Do you and your spouse spend too much time apart? Have you grown apart? Imagine your marriage 20 years from now. How is it going to be if you keep up with your current approach? If you don't like the thought of your future with its present course, then your marriage may need a spring cleaning.
Ernest Holmes said, "Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it." Have your thoughts undermined a once great relationship? If so, you can redirect your thoughts and thus redirect the future of your marriage. Most couples put more effort into the planning of their vacation than they do their marriage. Remember the days of dating each other? You couldn't get enough of each other and gladly gave a lot of attention to your partner. After a couple gets married they are pulled apart by things like their career and the needs of their children. A routine develops and if the couple isn't careful, so does a sense of boredom. Unfortunately, your spouse tends to get blamed for the boredom. But don't be too quick to judge. Simply because you have been together for a number of years doesn't mean that you know your spouse today. People change. As men get older, they tend to shift focus from their career to their family. Women tend to go in the direction of career because they have put their career pursuits on hold for the sake of their children. The goals you had early in the marriage have probably changed. But your partner may have the assumption that you still want things the way they were in the beginning. Especially in the ages between 35 and 55, what's important to you and what matters most are usually being re-evaluated. Talk with your partner about what is really important to you. What would make your life more satisfying? Listen to your spouse. Encourage them to share their views. Be open to what they say. Don't be too sensitive or defensive. Don't be judgmental. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you overreact to what they say, your spouse isn't going to talk to you. Try to be accepting and positive of what your spouse has to say even if what you hear surprises you. If you have a hard time keeping your mouth shut, I suggest you sit on your hands. Somehow this simple behavior helps you keep quiet so that you just listen. Remember, one good idea could be life changing to your marriage. Be curious and eager to know your spouse all over again. It doesn't take both of you to do the spring cleaning, even though it helps. You'd be surprised by what one dedicated spouse can do. And just like the spring cleaning of your home, your marriage deserves many cleanings. Keep your marriage fresh and alive. Tap into your ability to dream again. Rediscover the beauty of your husband or wife. Take one step today towards the renewing of your marriage. Then take another step tomorrow. And so on and so on..
Here are some additional "cleaning solutions" for your marriage.
1. Try to see your spouse with fresh eyes.
2. Keep your mind focused on your spouse's positive qualities.
3. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Forgiving yourself and your spouse is an attribute of the strong.
4. If you are keeping score of your spouse's mistakes, you are setting your marriage up to fail.
5. Life is too short to allow boredom to infiltrate your marriage.
6. Good things
often come from the difficult times.
7. Strive to genuinely understand your spouse.
8. Break your routines to keep the marriage exciting.
9. Maintain an attitude that encourages openness.
10. Strive to find the magic that is waiting to be discovered in your spouse.
About the Author Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com.
(ArticlesBase SC #66585) Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ - Clean Up The Problems In Your Marriage
Author: Christian Marriage Counseling
Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.
One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).
Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/marriage-counseling-respect-and-boundaries-in-marriage-1762010.html
About the Author
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it. Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them. To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
